Ya know, it is truly wonderful to be surprised by people, to be tickled by what comes out of people’s mouths, or keyboards and to enjoy the never-ending supply of dumb questions. It is also a wond’rous thing the degree to which people do not want to take responsibility for their actions. The dumb question of day comes from such a place.
Q: Can anyone turn me into a lesbian with a spell?
A: Well, there is a way, but you have to prove yourself worthy of the transformation. At the risk of incurring the wrath of She Who Must Remain Nameless, here is how it can be done.
Travel back in time before the Great Division: if you stand in the right spot you will be deposited at the start of the journey where you must make your way through the rainforest and swim what we call the Amazon river at the time it was switching its direction and starting to flow out into what is present day Atlantic Ocean. Jump in and silently request the service of the Giant Seahorse to ride over to Africa. Thank the Giant Seahorse with a sacred water carrot, and continue your journey, asking only women with hazel eyes where the ONE Tree lives: you must ask without using any words.
When you arrive at the ONE Tree, you must sit there for ninety days and ninety nights and if your heart and mind are pure, your purpose singular, She Who Must Remain Nameless will appear before you. You must not look into her eyes. Ever.
You can now request a spell to be used at your discretion, in the lifetime of your choosing, to be a woman who loves women, for you are in a time where such words as lesbian have no meaning.
At the completion of the spell transmission, She Who Must Remain Nameless will whisper to you the name of the woman who you will meet and when you meet her, the spell will begin in whatever way you have determined it should.
The other spell is one involving chemicals and electricity that we typically refer to as falling in love. It’s not an easier spell, but it is more fun.
If neither of those two options appeal to you, time travel to an epic hero journey or falling in love, well then, suck it up princess: get some courage and take responsibility for what you think you want instead of trying to find a witchcraft/voodoo spell to blame it on.