I see Lesbian Haircut #32.

lion's eyes- drawing from the hospital bed

 

Breathing in, raising my eyebrows, blinking slowly, then breathing out slowly while holding my body still for this delicate operation: putting mascara on my eyelashes.

I keep trying different brands of mascara. Looking for the perfect one.

No eyeliner. No blush. My skin can’t handle either one right now.

Reddish lipstick on my lips.

I try — and fail — to avoid looking at myself in the mirror.

Practising acceptance. It is how it is for now.

Turning away from the mirror, walking out in the hallway, she’s there waiting for me.

“I have cancer hair,” I say as I bury my face in her neck, careful to avoid smudging my mascara in case it’s not dry yet.

She wraps her arms around me and says, “No you don’t.”

I’m a littler, slighter me now. “Yes I do,” I insist.

“No, you don’t,” she repeats.

Voices in my head: yes I do yes I do yes I do. But I don’t say that outloud. Maybe I’m the only one who sees it.

We go out. I can last 3 hours now.

~~

Jenn at the salon didn’t blink twice when I saw her after treatment. My hair was long enough to cover the effects of chemotherapy that thinned it and radiation that made hair fall out at the back and left side of my head.  I catastrophized: the only thing to do was something radical. I did not want radical.

I left the salon with my hair buzzed at the back to the ridge of my skull. Shorter at the sides and front. That piece of hair that falls over my eyes is still there. There’s some length to it on top. I can tuck bits of hair behind my ears.

A modern bob is what Jenn called it. I see lesbian haircut #32. And it works. For cancer hair.

 

 

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I see Lesbian Haircut #32.

  1. efrompdx says:

    Hello FS. I’m sorry to read about the reason for the hair cut. My partner is currently at the tail end of the cancer treatment and is really relieved that her hair is growing back. And, it’s curly on top! Well, it’s not curly yet, as it’s too short, but it’s going in all different directions so we think it will be curly.

    I’m sending you plenty of healing and harmonious thoughts to get you through to the return of your hair and your real life… because that bastard Cancer has taken enough from us all.

    Best wishes,
    e

    • FS says:

      Thank you. I would like curly hair 🙂. I hope you and your partner are doing as well as you can, and finding moments to enjoy. And yes: we landed on calling Bastard Cancer too.

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