How to be a lesbian in two easy steps (or four comprehensive steps if you’re really serious)



There’s a proliferation of How To information on the internet and in bookstores and libraries — everything from the ubiquitous Dummies and Idiot’s guides through to sites such as Wiki How, where you can find How to kiss in 32 steps. Beyond corporate answering bodies, there are individual contributors out there who are happy to answer just about any how-to you can think of, including How to pee in a cup while driving.

Clearly, there’s perceived value in how-to guides: people want to know how to do things.  No how-to question goes unanswered. More to the point, where questions can mean there’s money to be made or wisdom, knowledge, data, opinions, pontifications and wild-assed guesses to be shared and spread around like Nutella.

But enough about a delicious chocolate and hazelnut mixture. Here on this blog, I get a number of how-to questions and the one I get a lot is: how to be/how can I be a lesbian?

A puzzling question. I ponder it with knitted brows. Is the question asking what do I need to know, what credentials and knowledge do I need to qualify as a lesbian, as in, How can I be a pilot? An astronaut? An engineer? An editor? A racing car driver? Or is it a more subtle question, asking something along the lines of, How can I be a good person? A caring, considerate, and courageous teacher? An emotionally, culturally sensitive, values-based and intelligent person?

Is the question centred on how to do the things that a lesbian does (as in the technical aspects of being a lesbian) or is it a question of what, in her being, makes a woman a lesbian and how to get that? (The doing/being divide?)

Sigh. Haven’t I answered this question in earlier posts? It seems obvious to me how to be a lesbian; however, calling on my mindful and compassionate self, I must remember that what’s obvious to me as a lesbian is not always obvious to others.

Perhaps I am over-thinking it. Perhaps I need to answer the question succinctly, leaning toward the being mode over the doing mode … as I see it, it’s quite straightforward to be a lesbian, if such a label is desired or required, as outlined below.

How to be a lesbian in two easy steps, with two other steps that are less easy.

1. Be a woman (natural born or surgically re-assigned).

2. Have crushes, romances, dating stresses, deep likes, physical intimacy/sex only with a woman. Or with many women, one after the other. (We call it serial monogamy.)

There are two additional steps take you deeper into lesbian territory…

3. Fall in love with a woman.

4. Share your life, love, heart, soul — everything: ups and downs and crazy laughter and buckets of tears and hopes and dreams and fears and wonders and picnics and laundry and cooking and holding hands and exploring and grieving and book buying binges — all with a woman and only a woman.

And that’s how to be a lesbian.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, Lesbian humor, LGBT and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to How to be a lesbian in two easy steps (or four comprehensive steps if you’re really serious)

  1. Sarah says:

    ” . . . technical aspects of being a lesbian . . .” Oh heavens, you’re getting technical on us?!

    “. . . calling on my mindful and compassionate self . . .” My mind boggles – wouldn’t it be your mindful self speaking up, to suggest that you call on herself (so to speak)?

    I’m glad to see you’re writing again, btw. Best wishes,


    • FS says:

      Hello, Sarah… thank you ;-). Now I do not wish to assume or presume, but in the journey of the pure art of being, (or is it act of being?) there is often a technical stage that some tend to pass through..and I often wonder if that is not the time when the shield of identity is most called upon to be front and centre. it’s just a wondering, though. No firm ideas. And you are true: it is my mindful self doing the suggesting, although my cheeky self sits right next to my mindful self so sometimes it’s hard to discern. Every day, every moment: a constant work in progress, n’est-ce pas?

  2. tomboy says:

    And this is why I wonder why there aren’t more lesbians in the world. It sounds like a perfect life to me.

  3. Dace says:

    oh, GSUS. This made me laugh and cringe at the same time. Do I want to read this or should I move on? What if I read and it turns out I am not a lesbian?

    You know, you live your life thinking that you are something and then somebody just sums it up very nicely and you are not “IT”. I guess, I am going to live my life and for know, I guess, I am still a lesbian. 😛

    Thank you!…..I better go get myself another cup of coffee. This was stressful …ha…ha..ha

    • FS says:

      Dear Dace … eek! Laugh and cringe? I hope in a good way. UBU 😉 And as you sip your coffee, as stress flows away, allow the memory of “never let anyone define who or what you are” that sits in your DNA to arise and spread across every fibre of your being.

  4. scimmia says:

    sign me up!

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