I could say …

Bardelli, 1939. found on tumblr.com


I could say that the reason I haven’t posted anything for a while is because I’ve gone fishing but that would be an enormous lie because if there’s anything in the world that I have an irrational aversion to coming into contact with it’s worms even though when I see a worm stranded on the sidewalk after a rainfall, I’ll search for a stick or a leaf to move it to safety, mindfully noticing and ignoring all the feelings and sensations that arise in my gut and back of my throat and my primitive brain as I do it. But back to fishing. You see, fishing requires not only buying worms — or digging them up — but touching them (shiver, shudder, yuck, yuck, eeww) and then drowning them to catch a fish. Well, not catch a fish so much as trick it to bite the worm, or piece of worm so that the very pointed barbed hook to which the worm or piece of worm is attached will pierce the fish’s cheek, allowing the fisherperson to reel it in. We now know that those hooks — of any size — causes fish pain, whether we catch it to toss it back in the water (the eco-friendly sports-person like fishing) or to kill and eat it.

Um, no. That’s not for me. So I can’t lie and say I’ve gone fishing to explain why I have not written in a while.

I could say that I’ve been buried in all sorts of home improvements, renovations and a bunch of social stuff all of which consumed a lot of time and energy, which would be the truth but if I’m being honest, not enough to prevent me from writing, particularly about things I promised to write about, such as why do opposites attract? Good question isn’t it? Hmm. Depends on which way the opposite is expressed and is manifest in a relationship. Introvert and extrovert? Lover and fighter? Clean and messy? Disorganized and a Virgo? Perhaps some opposites attract more than others, but if they are truly opposites in everything, including personal values, morals and how to precisely fold tea towels, or spit in the sink when brushing their teeth, it can make for an interesting relationship…but more on that when I have something meaningful and chewy to say about it.

That’s the thing. That’s why I’ve not been writing here. I’m running out of things to say.

You see after a while, a lesbian life is a life. A life of a woman. A life of a human. Sure there are things unique to being a lesbian that only other lesbians can understand and relate to but after a while, daily life is daily life, love is love (we say that don’t we?) and a relationship is a relationship and the stuff that comes up in relationships (legal status and human rights issues notwithstanding because if you’re hiding your relationship it is a different set of strains) are universal. Doing laundry, paying bills, fighting for rights, shopping, buying furniture, what wine to drink, what route to take, how to navigate different temperaments, what to do on the weekend, what’s for dinner, agreeing to a colour to paint the hallway, leaving cupboard doors open, how to communicate when you don’t want to, when you want to pout, when you want your hormone-addled self to run screaming through the house or cry under the covers, or make you kick her underwear left in the bathroom (panties in the washroom, knickers in the loo) under the soaker tub when they should be in the laundry basket…

I could say that lesbians are immune to all that stuff that arises in a relationship because two women together is a gentler, kinder dynamic than two men or a man and a woman and I could explain that it’s better but as the Goddess is my witness that would be a loo-loo of a lie because I happen to know with some experience and authority that’s not true. Not all lesbians are gentle and kind. Not all are good listeners or considerate. Lesbians are human, prone to all things that humans are prone too and in relationships, lesbians are not immune to anything that arises in relationships except perhaps the happy accident of becoming pregnant without realizing it. So, I didn’t want to tell a loo-loo of a lie just to have something to say.

(Searching for something to say…)

I could say to the woman who wrote on her blog, “there are times when I look at my husband with such annoyance and aggravation that I wish I was a lesbian..” (emphasis mine). Kind of cute and maybe funny for one or two nanoseconds and an example of how far we’ve come that someone feels safe to say that out loud, but oh, so, so wrong. If she thinks for a moment that being in a relationship with another woman will automatically give her someone who “gets” her and saves her from feeling annoyed, aggravated or even angry, she needs to splash cold water on her face and take another think.

In lesbian relationships, as sure as Billy Jane and Dorothy are your long-lost spinster aunts, disagreements happen. Major and minor misunderstandings and miscommunications. Disappointments and devastation happen. Fights too. And women respond as men do: fight or flight or freeze.  It’s just that the way some of us do it that can be, so, oh, I dunno….breathtakingly painful.

Fights are stupid, with anyone of any gender, any time: an indication that some younger internal self state, perhaps one that perceives or experiences a slight has been activated and is ready to pitch in to do battle. Or the freeze, one out of fear and paralysis, or the one of freezing out: crossed arms and silence. Withdrawal. Ice Queen costume. A retreat to an internal sacred space where they can process feelings real and imagined as they visit the dark places and spaces inside their mind and where they can pummel their self-esteem and self-worth longer and harder than anyone else in the world would ever dream of doing. Flight? Taking off in the car in anger. Slamming doors. General idiocy and immaturity. Men and women are prone to that. Sadly.

Being in a lesbian relationship is different than being in a non-lesbian relationship, (yes, I said that) and as it is with everything to do with women — even from other women — it’s something prone to overgeneralization, ignorance and gross stereotype.

What I could say to the straight woman who sometimes wishes she was a lesbian so that she can dispense with being annoyed by her husband who doesn’t get her is a simple truth. No one can save you from those feelings in a relationship. Not even a lesbian. I could say that.

Truth. Found on Tumblr.com

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing ... at least for now.
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18 Responses to I could say …

  1. Sarah says:

    (unlurking for a change . . .)
    Greetings, again. As a non-writer, I can totally understand how you might feel that you are running out of words. And I completely agree that a relationship is a relationship, whatever configuration it may take. (As my spouse, who *was* a writer, used to say: a dyad is a dyad.)

    That said, I would seriously miss your posts if you should choose to close your blog! I have greatly appreciated your musings, observations, and turns of phrase. So, thank you for sharing yourself in this public format.

    best wishes,

    –Sarah (mostly back to life, in Halifax again, btw)

    • FS says:

      Dear Sarah; Hello 🙂 and thank you. To my mind, lurking is highly underrated, ubless it’s like a Klingon ship uncloaking itself to wreak havoc and chaos ;-).

      I’ve wondered how you are faring and so it is heartening to hear that you are mostly back to life: that takes a lot of determination, and step-by-step courage. The life force is a strange and wonderful thing, isn’t it? I laughed at “a dyad is a dyad.” Brilliant. And incredible fodder for oh, I dunno, conversation, debate, meditation and writing. Hmmm thank you for sharing that.

      Halifax is an absolutely lovely city — the bookstores, the pace of life, the strong sense of place and history (not all of it full of lovingkindness) and culture and the steep incline of many of the streets, and the secondhand bookstores.

      I suppose it was the subtext — my wondering whether I’ve more to say — or my lesbian voice — has more to say, or if I have reached the end, which isn’t the end so much as an integration. I don’t have a definitive answer yet, so I suppose I can take that as an answer in and of itself.

      • Sarah says:

        > . . . Klingon ship uncloaking itself to wreak havoc and chaos

        Hmmm. Chaos, maybe (isn’t life much of that, anyway?), but nothing as threatening as Wreaking . . .

        > . . . The life force is a strange and wonderful thing, isn’t it?

        Well, I’ve felt this whole time that if I’m still here, I don’t want to waste this gift of life. Not that I’ve known what to *do* with it, of course. 🙂 Little by little, slowly, slowly . . . (Time is such a weird construct, though, isn’t it? It’s a marvel to me that it’s more than three years since the night she died. Even in that first month, it felt like forever since she was here with me . . .)

        > . . . incredible fodder . . . my wondering whether I’ve more to say — or my lesbian voice — has more to say . . .

        The way you’re phrasing your reply suggests that you *know* you have more to say. And since you’re a lesbian, it’d by default be your lesbian voice doing the talking, yes? 😉

        > Halifax is an absolutely lovely city — the bookstores . . . the secondhand bookstores.

        Tee hee — you’re sounding like BB there! BTW, a new 2nd-hand bookstore just opened this month. And yes, I’m quite glad to be back here; it’s a better pace of life for me than was southern ON.

        best wishes to you, “FS”!! Thanks again for your musings.


      • FS says:

        Sarah… Slowly, slowly…How true. How beautiful. :-). You know what’s odd? One day someone is here, and the next day, not. Except in memory. Dreams. That’s odd. It makes you (well, maybe not you, but me) wonder about the very nature of reality, or relationship, of life. I am not sure that something specific to my lesbian voice, though.

        What can I say: I travel the world and visit second hand bookstores. Time is a strange construct.

        I don’t know if I have more to say. I truly am torn. And so as I am torn, I think it’s best not to do anything rash…like expect myself to have more to say. Because it just might be that the issue isn’t more to say at all. It’s just the saying of it…in lesbianese. ;-). (I’ve patented that word).

        thank you and take care of you. I promise you will know when I decide to sign off…

  2. natasiarose says:

    Whenever my str8 friends tell me they are done with guys because they suck, I have to remind them that women can rip your beating heart out of your chest and rip it to shreds just as easily as a man can. Unfortunately, all relationships reach a point where there is a certain amount of “work” required.

  3. DD says:

    Great fun to read, as always! Welcome back !!
    Not too keen on fishing myself either. To me, a fish is a little colorful rectangle sitting on top of ball of rice and water is meant for swimming… (as long as it it warm enough…)
    And yet, I find myself in a relationship with a woman who loves fishing but also happens to be deathly afraid of swimming in any water where there might be fish…. Should make for relaxing outings out on the lake…. 😉

  4. Oh and yes, lesbians relationships have just as many challenges (maybe more) than any possible
    kind? type? format? configuration? of relationship. It isn’t easier, but, it is superior 😛

    • FS says:

      Dear BB: Hmmm….. superior..? Uh-oh… Aren’t those the kind of fightin’ words that gets us into tribal wars..? I suppose I could say that it is far far better for me (and any other lesbian) to be in a relationship with a woman than a man — because it’s more honest, it’s more fulfilling, it’s more meaningful and it’s where heart, mind, body and soul want to be…. but it begs the question: is better the same as superior? (Semantics, semantics… 😉 ) I humbly await your answer — after I consult all sorts of dictionaries and etymological sources.. ( 😀 )

  5. There is always fly fishing:-) I hear you about running out of things to say, it can be daunting.
    Personally, I write more off the cuff than you do, less structure, and I promised myself I would fight through block. I think you have much to say, beautifully and elegantly and yes, pertinently, you are probably exhausted by this record heat. Big butchy hug:-)

    • FS says:

      BB: Aww..thank you. Hugs always welcome.

    • FS says:

      Dear BB: Fly Fishing..? Moi? As in standing in water with hip waders..? Gracefully — like a lacrosse player — throwing out a line..the end of which has those wee little complex fly fishing thingys which contain barbed hooks..? Can I just sit on the boat instead? Read?

      • The flies, contrary to worms, aren’t alive, plus it takes so long to get good at fly fishing, chances are good it would take years to catch anything. If miraculously you catch something there always the ole catch and release…. and yes, you can sit in or on the boat:-)

      • FS says:

        BB: Yuck. As in, actually touch, pierce flies??? Perish the thought. I’m good with not catching anything — flies, worms, fish, a cold, the cootie bugs. Oh wait: maybe a good movie. Gladly catch one of those. 😉.

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