I could say that the reason I haven’t posted anything for a while is because I’ve gone fishing but that would be an enormous lie because if there’s anything in the world that I have an irrational aversion to coming into contact with it’s worms even though when I see a worm stranded on the sidewalk after a rainfall, I’ll search for a stick or a leaf to move it to safety, mindfully noticing and ignoring all the feelings and sensations that arise in my gut and back of my throat and my primitive brain as I do it. But back to fishing. You see, fishing requires not only buying worms — or digging them up — but touching them (shiver, shudder, yuck, yuck, eeww) and then drowning them to catch a fish. Well, not catch a fish so much as trick it to bite the worm, or piece of worm so that the very pointed barbed hook to which the worm or piece of worm is attached will pierce the fish’s cheek, allowing the fisherperson to reel it in. We now know that those hooks — of any size — causes fish pain, whether we catch it to toss it back in the water (the eco-friendly sports-person like fishing) or to kill and eat it.
Um, no. That’s not for me. So I can’t lie and say I’ve gone fishing to explain why I have not written in a while.
I could say that I’ve been buried in all sorts of home improvements, renovations and a bunch of social stuff all of which consumed a lot of time and energy, which would be the truth but if I’m being honest, not enough to prevent me from writing, particularly about things I promised to write about, such as why do opposites attract? Good question isn’t it? Hmm. Depends on which way the opposite is expressed and is manifest in a relationship. Introvert and extrovert? Lover and fighter? Clean and messy? Disorganized and a Virgo? Perhaps some opposites attract more than others, but if they are truly opposites in everything, including personal values, morals and how to precisely fold tea towels, or spit in the sink when brushing their teeth, it can make for an interesting relationship…but more on that when I have something meaningful and chewy to say about it.
That’s the thing. That’s why I’ve not been writing here. I’m running out of things to say.
You see after a while, a lesbian life is a life. A life of a woman. A life of a human. Sure there are things unique to being a lesbian that only other lesbians can understand and relate to but after a while, daily life is daily life, love is love (we say that don’t we?) and a relationship is a relationship and the stuff that comes up in relationships (legal status and human rights issues notwithstanding because if you’re hiding your relationship it is a different set of strains) are universal. Doing laundry, paying bills, fighting for rights, shopping, buying furniture, what wine to drink, what route to take, how to navigate different temperaments, what to do on the weekend, what’s for dinner, agreeing to a colour to paint the hallway, leaving cupboard doors open, how to communicate when you don’t want to, when you want to pout, when you want your hormone-addled self to run screaming through the house or cry under the covers, or make you kick her underwear left in the bathroom (panties in the washroom, knickers in the loo) under the soaker tub when they should be in the laundry basket…
I could say that lesbians are immune to all that stuff that arises in a relationship because two women together is a gentler, kinder dynamic than two men or a man and a woman and I could explain that it’s better but as the Goddess is my witness that would be a loo-loo of a lie because I happen to know with some experience and authority that’s not true. Not all lesbians are gentle and kind. Not all are good listeners or considerate. Lesbians are human, prone to all things that humans are prone too and in relationships, lesbians are not immune to anything that arises in relationships except perhaps the happy accident of becoming pregnant without realizing it. So, I didn’t want to tell a loo-loo of a lie just to have something to say.
(Searching for something to say…)
I could say to the woman who wrote on her blog, “there are times when I look at my husband with such annoyance and aggravation that I wish I was a lesbian..” (emphasis mine). Kind of cute and maybe funny for one or two nanoseconds and an example of how far we’ve come that someone feels safe to say that out loud, but oh, so, so wrong. If she thinks for a moment that being in a relationship with another woman will automatically give her someone who “gets” her and saves her from feeling annoyed, aggravated or even angry, she needs to splash cold water on her face and take another think.
In lesbian relationships, as sure as Billy Jane and Dorothy are your long-lost spinster aunts, disagreements happen. Major and minor misunderstandings and miscommunications. Disappointments and devastation happen. Fights too. And women respond as men do: fight or flight or freeze. It’s just that the way some of us do it that can be, so, oh, I dunno….breathtakingly painful.
Fights are stupid, with anyone of any gender, any time: an indication that some younger internal self state, perhaps one that perceives or experiences a slight has been activated and is ready to pitch in to do battle. Or the freeze, one out of fear and paralysis, or the one of freezing out: crossed arms and silence. Withdrawal. Ice Queen costume. A retreat to an internal sacred space where they can process feelings real and imagined as they visit the dark places and spaces inside their mind and where they can pummel their self-esteem and self-worth longer and harder than anyone else in the world would ever dream of doing. Flight? Taking off in the car in anger. Slamming doors. General idiocy and immaturity. Men and women are prone to that. Sadly.
Being in a lesbian relationship is different than being in a non-lesbian relationship, (yes, I said that) and as it is with everything to do with women — even from other women — it’s something prone to overgeneralization, ignorance and gross stereotype.
What I could say to the straight woman who sometimes wishes she was a lesbian so that she can dispense with being annoyed by her husband who doesn’t get her is a simple truth. No one can save you from those feelings in a relationship. Not even a lesbian. I could say that.