Three times. Exactly three times in two weeks, the term average lesbian has cropped up: in a reader’s comments, in a cafe conversation, and in a conversation in the car.
Three things in a row is a signal to obey the law of thinking that says, when three things happen in a row that point to the same thing, look into it and think about it deeply. And that meant I had to ponder, consider, contemplate, muse, ruminate, cogitate and lucid dream deeply. Not only that, I had to follow the bouncing ball of thought so that when I reached a conclusion, I could show how I got to it, show proof that I can follow the scientific method albeit for purely lesbian means and lesbian ends.
My first stop was the dictionary. I needed to level-set my understanding of the term. Average is a mathematical construct, a central tendency of a data set (the middle) and for the most part, not a true thing in the real world when it comes to people and behaviours.
It seemed to me that I would not be thinking hard about math, thank Goddess: math is not my first language. As it happened, the street meaning of the word average tends to be a generic and less deadly way to mean ordinary, usual, or typical or common when describing people and things.
Time to start thinking.
Into lotus position I went and meditated on the concept of average lesbian. Channelled our lesbian ancestors to get their advice and direction. Needing more clarity, I did a head stand, allowing the blood to rush to my head to let me think more deeply. Alas; all that got me was a nosey dog licking my nose.
To gain access to the most current knowledge on the subject, I organized a conference for the world’s leading experts on all things ‘average’ and all things ‘lesbian’; chaired the panel discussions and edited the policy papers that resulted. Not only that, I refereed the fights that broke out. The scratches on my arms are expected to heal soon.
I fell asleep in a room full of books that covered the last 100 years’ worth of thinking and knowledge about women who love women. It was my hope to somehow, magically, soak up the information in those books and come to some conclusion.
I rolled the dice. Consulted the I-Ching, read tarot cards, runes, crystals, drop earrings, divining rods and the planets, consulted voodoo priests and earth witches, and read the aura around the words average lesbian. I made chicken soup. One night, I dreamed a dream where I was the dreamer that dreamed of seeing a streaming LED ticker-tape that read:
“Lesbians may do things that are similar to each other within their tribes, cultural group that seem to place them within the big mass of the boring, middling, mediocre average. And there are things that seem to be stereotypical of lesbians: we’re all comedians. Or if not comedians, we’re serious; overly so. But are stereotypes perceived averages? Or just what gets airplay?”
I went for walks with the dogs. I talked about it with reasonable, smart women I know who are lesbians, in no way average, and typical of little, except being human. Then, I went to the CERN lab where the second experiment recently proved — again — that neutrinos travel faster than the speed of light. That made me happy and gave me an idea.
In my basement lab designed for such things, I replicated the experiment’s set-up in order to go through non-existent time and space so that I could spend 5 minutes with every lesbian on the planet, and a few from other dimensions, (just for fun) and to see if there was a reasonable control group. (There wasn’t.)
I arrived back where I started a week before the time I left, but still came back empty-handed.
Which brings me to today. This morning, in the shower, an answer appeared in a soap-bubble: maybe there’s no such thing as an average, common, ordinary, usual, typical, everyday lesbian.
I said that out loud, not expecting an answer and doubting the absoluteness of the thought.
“Yes, really,” answered the Goddess of Bubbles, adding, “how is a person who is a woman, who is a lesbian, average? Common? Ordinary? Usual? Typical? How is a woman anything but uniquely herself?”
She had a point. Women comprise roughly 51 per cent of the world’s population. That means there are about 3.6 billion women. The numbers alone make me wonder why have not yet achieved equality. But I digress.
If we use the old ratio — one in 10 — that means there are 360 million lesbians on the planet. That number is probably on the high side, but even if there are only 75 million of us and we are all different, what would the average be? And where is she?
If our average lesbian exists, she is elusive. All this thinking and searching has turned out to be the beginning. It gives me enough to work with to develop a hypothesis of what the universal attributes of an average lesbian would be. That project starts tonight when I go to sleep.
Then it’s a waiting game. Immediately following CERN’S third experiment that proves once and for all that neutrinos do travel faster than the speed of light, and we revise our understanding of everything we think we know about the cosmos, time and space, I’m off on my next adventure — searching for the elusive, universal average lesbian – if she exists. Stay tuned for dispatches from the sub-atomic level.
Oh, and here are some of my photos from my first time travel search for the average lesbian. Enjoy!