Fastest-moving lesbians ever!

If you blinked, you missed it. But then again, because you know what you know and don’t know what you don’t know, it wasn’t supposed to happen; so, you wouldn’t have been expecting it and if you weren’t expecting it or even remotely hoping for it or wondering about it, you wouldn’t have noticed it because as you know or perhaps don’t know, believing is seeing: and that — as you know because you are a knowing lesbian — is far more prevalent and true than seeing is believing.

According to Einstein’s 1905(ish) theory, nothing and no one is supposed to travel faster than light. It’s one of the foundational and often-proved theories in physics. But it seems that some neutrinos didn’t get the media release or policy statement, or on-message PR political speaking point and in an experiment, traveled from Switzerland to Italy faster than the speed of light which the headlines say has bewildered scientists because the man behind the curtain says that is NOT supposed to happen.

Imagine. Bewildered scientists. Boggles the mind.

Neutrinos you might recall are everywhere and are notoriously difficult to see, catch, predict, know. Once they were even thought not to exist. Now we know better and now we use them in experiments and the results of this experiment have challenged physics’ received wisdom, thinking and knowledge:

“The scientists reached their conclusion after sending streams of tiny, subatomic particles called neutrinos hurtling from an accelerator at CERN outside Geneva to a detector at the Gran Sasso National Laboratory in Italy, about 450 miles away.

The neutrinos seemed to get there too soon — 60 nanoseconds too soon, give or take — than they should if they’d been traveling at the speed of light.

That slight edge, if it holds up under scrutiny, has enormous implications for our understanding of the laws of nature, physicists said.”

Lots and lots of further experiments are needed to see if the finding holds up because if it does, it means all sorts of odd and wonderful things, like the possibility of going backwards in time. Such is the stuff of science.

There is other stuff of science, such as misinterpretation of findings or purposefully not reporting all factors. Such was the case in this experiment: mainstream and scientific media neglected to mention a key factor that may affect the repeatability/replication of the experiment. My sources tell me that the group of fast-moving neutrinos just happen to be a group of wandering lesbian neutrinos out for a good time. As any card-carrying lesbian knows, those gaggles of girls can move pretty fast when motivated to do so.

Somehow the CERN people were unaware that their experiment was being used for an ulterior motive. The Gran Sasso lab is located — underground — between the towns of L’Aquila and Teramo, about 100 km from Rome, beautiful territory, beautiful women; intensity of tastes, romance, architecture, history, art, music: seriously, what lesbian neutrino in her right mind wouldn’t revv up her engines and get there as fast as possible given half the chance?


But the speed is only one part of the story. No one is talking about how neutrinos can be lesbian. The issue may be moot. Faster than light is faster than light and technically not supposed to happen so sexuality ought not to be a factor in how fast a neutrino gets from one place to another. Besides, scientists looking into issues of sexuality are hardly looking at neutrinos — they’re more interested in finger length and surges of testosterone exposure in-utero to explain what causes lesbianism, as if lesbianism is a condition.

Not that there isn’t some interest in discovering whether neutrinos are anything other than sub-atomic matter moving through the universe: recently the theory that neutrinos are sterile was proven wrong — by a woman. But for the most part, the lesbian angle to this science story is being completely ignored and not factored into the findings of the experiment, which is curious.

So might motivation have affected speed? According to lab notes obtained through the Freedom of Lesbian Information Act, one of the lesbian neutrinos put it this way to the lead investigator: “we were highly motivated to get from point A to point B as fast as possible and with that specialized light beam, it’s faster than any of you can imagine.”

The scientists acknowledge that they did not include lesbian motivation as factor and that might mean the results are not as pure as they appear at first glance.

Relaxing after a hard day breaking the speed of light

“We’re a bit embarrassed by this,” said one of the neutrinos in an exclusive interview by the Intergalactic Lesbian Review at a rented villa at an undisclosed location in Italy.

“We’re supposed to keep a low profile, but this was just too good to pass up. The stories about Italian women were too powerful a pull for us. We’d been stuck in the labs in Switzerland for far too long. I mean, the Swiss are nice and all and the women great, but we were bored. We’d been there for two minutes and needed to get out. We figured out how to congregate at exactly the right time to hijack the experiment.”

When asked whether or not the research findings are a true reflection and can be replicated, the neutrinos looked at one another for a moment. Then one of them responded.

“It depends on who they use to travel the next series of light beams. Sometimes the confluence of participants and conditions are so perfect that the potential to discover or create something entirely new is exponentially enhanced. Unfortunately for us, this group of scientists suspended its disbelief when the data showed them that what they thought couldn’t happen, happened. They couldn’t ignore it.”

Taking a sip of Poli grappa, her arm loose around the waist of a woman she called cara, the lesbian neutrino added that, “replication depends on so many variables. But what I can tell you is that it won’t be us in that chamber next time. After this, we’re heading to Canada for the winter. We hear that cuddling in the cold climate is an adventure that no lesbian should miss.”


For more on neutrinos, go here or here.

PS: No scientists were harmed in the creation of this article; however, science and scientists were targeted for some eyebrow raising. The author is considering opening a storefront whereby scientists of all stripes and flavours can organize a ceremony to marry their theories til death do them part.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fastest-moving lesbians ever!

  1. letempspasse says:

    Hilarious post! Loved it.

  2. bookish butch says:

    Fascinating, I love the way you spin things together, a master weaver of thought tapestries:-)

  3. finding my way says:

    I’d recently read an article about these neutrinos and then this afternoon when I turned on my PC there was a headline for another article about them plastered on my screen. I read the second article and scrolled through a few of the reader comments for fun. Wasn’t fun.

    We Americans CAN politicize anything. One reader mentioned that this report from CERN was as uninteresting, unimportant and as useless as an environmental impact study of a healthy existing bridge. We Americans CAN and DO miss the point from time to time.

    Then when I read your post it occurred to me to publish a link to your article on that comments page for my forward thinking neighbors to mull. My fondness for your blog couldn’t reconcile 50 or 100 intellectuals inundating you with comments and questions.

    Too bad, they could learn a lot here.

    • FS says:

      Dear FMW: Thank you. I am sorry to hear that what is a fascinating bit of science news and discovery was ruined for you. Sadly, freedom of speech allows for people to open their mouths and let their brains fall out. I suspect that those kinds of people are not interested in learning since they know it all.

      Americans — and other nationalities — can and do miss the point from time to time. That’s the believing is seeing thing, and it’s a human thing. It’s all about the lens. I don’t think any nationality has the corner on that market: it’s gone global, although some are perhaps more culturally prone to public pontificating and posturing.

      If it helps, a wee head’s up: The next edition of the DSM — the DSM 5 — (to be released in 2013) outlines what many of these commenters suffer from: OPD (Obnoxious Personality Disorder). 😉 NOT that I’m judging or anything! I have stopped reading most comments on new stories…American, Canadian English, European, since I actually do want to learn things. When I want a reminder of how unkind and narcissistic some people can be when they are anonymous, I know where to look.

  4. terrisitagg says:

    Your depth and breadth of knowledge of the most thought-provoking, cutting-edge subjects always educates, entertains, and amazes. I never fail to gain new information and insights when presented with your writing, and I am impressed with the research and hard hitting journalistic energy that goes into every mind-expanding creation. I found myself reading faster and faster, trying to keep up with those amazing neutrino’s, and their riveting tale of adventure. Well done, FCS, well done! I am particularly in favour with anything that causes the eyebrow to be raised, particularly since you have raised the bar in writering expressively. Raising my grappa, Cincin!!

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