Desperate for the experience?


Recently someone has asked me through this blog the same question: twice. Well, perhaps not a question so much as a request. The person making the request explained that she’s a young teenage girl. She also said, “I want a lesbian experience and I have no one I can talk to and I’m desperate. Please email me back.”

I thought about it. It could be a mean joke, a hoax by some mean person doing a mean thing. If so, it would be unwise to email back directly. I don’t mind disagreements or different perspectives: they are good and necessary. And I don’t give a flying monkey if someone thinks that being a lesbian is wrong; it’s when those thoughts turn to mean behaviours, mean actions, mean words, mean stuff. I just don’t get it and have no tolerance for it. There’s no excuse, reason, rational or justification for mean. Ever.

I usually delete mean comments, no second thought.  I wasn’t sure about this one. But the possibility of mean raised an emotional red flag for me. When I thought about this blog in the beginning, I cringed at the thought that there might be mean people who’d say mean things just because what’s here is a slice of life thoughts of woman who happens to be a lesbian. I started this blog because I wanted to see if as a writer, I had a lesbian voice and if I did, I wanted to explore it. I weighed the risks: exposing my (sensitive) self to mean people when I don’t have to, or, avoiding doing something I wanted to do because of the risk of running into and having to deal with the mean stuff people do.

Anyone who writes knows the answer: the urge to write is greater than the urge to avoid mean. Still, I wasn’t happy to consider that maybe the young teenage girl note was a ruse, and a mean thing with no good outcome. I questioned again the wisdom of keeping this blog if I continue to attract mean commentary.

But I also traveled to the other side of the question. That balance thing. It might not be a mean person at all. It could in truth be a young teenage girl in need of someone to talk to, a young girl not knowing where to turn or who to ask or what to ask. It would still be a bad idea to email her directly.

As I was turning this all over in my mind, I received a second comment/email from her saying exactly the same thing. I looked at it more deeply.

I wondered if a young teenage girl would actually use the term lesbian experience: it sounded out-of-place. If she is a young teenage girl that puts her between 13 – 15; the term lesbian experience seems language that a young girl of today wouldn’t typically use, but I could be wrong. Maybe she thought that she was speaking my language. Or maybe it’s someone being mean to a lesbian who writes lesbian stuff on her lesbian blog. Or it’s a guy pretending to be a young teenage girl. Or it’s some off-kilter religious organization who would use my answer to her by email as de facto evidence that lesbians really are trying to recruit female children and teenagers.  Um, no. We — my peeps and me — are starting a campaign to recruit women who are really, really smart, really, really sexy and really, really fun and fearless. We ain’t recruiting no babies.  We got our sights set on a whole new tribe! But I digress.

I decided to take the high road. I will believe that it is someone in need of something: information, being listened to, or advice and because I decide to believe that I’ll give a brief answer to that young teenage girl who wants a lesbian experience, who has no one to talk to, who says she is desperate and wants me to email her. If anyone has some advice to add, PLEASE feel free to comment.

Dear Young Teenage Girl

I am not going to email you directly, but am writing to you — here, now.

I’m going to assume that you saying you want a lesbian experience means you are coming to understand that you are attracted to girls and you think or you know or are worried that you’re a lesbian and because you know that, you want to find out if you are, or you want to find a girlfriend, just as other girls your age want to find a boyfriend and have that straight experience. I think that’s understandable and fair. Why wouldn’t you want that? I am not sure if you are desperate because you want a lesbian experience or because you have no one to talk to where you live.

Please know that you aren’t alone, and that there is help.  There are places you can contact who have people who can help. Google the term GLBT Youth and the area where you live to see what’s available. Canada and the UK have national gay youth organizations. There are gay and lesbian hotlines: call one. Talk with someone who understands what it’s like in your part of the world and who can guide you, help you, and let you know that you are not alone and what you can do to feel — and be — less desperate.

This isn’t always easy, this coming out process. Take a deep breath and take one step at a time. Remember to breathe. And step. There are people who you can talk to, who will listen and who help you. You were courageous enough to ask me to email you. That’s not something I could ever have done when I was a young teenager. That tells me you have moments of being brave. That’s a good thing. Breathe and step. Breathe and step.

Do the research on the internet, call that hotline: it will take you to where you need to go. And you’ll get there.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Desperate for the experience?

  1. natasiarose says:

    Even if the letter was a fake, I’m sure this advice helped out someone somewhere!

  2. You know…I think some people are just honestly very simple-minded. A “lesbian experience” really entails a lot of very difficult, exciting, and different details. I mean what exactly is this person defining as a “lesbian experience”? Sex? Love? Dinner and a movie? Making out on the beach or in a park?

    • fs says:

      Dear TSH: You’re right. It is a catch-all phrase. Simply breathing with a lesbian could be a lesbian experience, but I’m a-scared to ask what someone might actually mean. 😉

  3. terrisitagg says:

    Excellently worded advice, from a credible source. I think you are wise to include your
    concerns about the “mean factor”, and I think that it is sad that it has to be considered.
    The Trevor Project is also a great resource for those who are questioning, it has a number
    of links that anyone looking for support, no matter where they are on the journey. Well
    done my friend.

  4. bookish butch says:

    Good sound advice. It is always best to take the high road, not always easy, but, always- best.
    You have to wonder about people who waste time on mean, not cranky, we are all entitled to cranky, right? 🙂 I like the Henry James quote, although I’m not crazy about his books:-)
    There are three things in life that are important, the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind,
    and the third is to be kind.
    You, my dear, are kind:-)

    • fs says:

      BB: Thank you. Cranky, grumbly, yes: understandable: I tend to see that as the human equivalent of when a dog is hurt or in pain and growls at people who come near,which is very similar to how some women behave when they have PMS now that I think of it. You know, I just say a little poster with that quote on it, although it wasn’t attributed, thank you for clearing that little mystery up. 🙂

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