My inbox is flooded with questions from women wanting to know how to turn a straight woman into a lesbian, or how to find and keep the perfect woman, or how to have the perfect lesbian experience.
Now when women say they want a “lesbian experience” I tend to assume they mean sex with another woman, because I’m fairly certain that they aren’t looking for the full range of experiences unique to lesbians: falling in love with another woman, making love with another woman, experiencing the excitement and angst of coming out, the gut-wrenching fear of being hated or hurt, the insanity of a PMS-fueled misunderstanding between two women who love each other, or being confused and hurt at being denied service, being ignored and being denied basic human rights. I don’t see straight women lining up for those lesbian experiences.
When I see these questions, it’s hard not to shake my head. It’s reasonable to assume that within those asking the questions, some are truly wondering if they are a lesbian, and they are asking for a way to find out. For others, it’s just a step outside the vanilla world, a little excitement, and between consenting adult women, why not? I won’t get into the ethical or philosophical question of whether the popularity of ‘the lesbian experience’ is yet another expression of a cultural stereotype about women, women’s sexuality and sexuality more broadly. That’s for others to get into.
What I can do, is give an answer, get into a solution for those true seekers, for all those looking for that perfect woman, the woman to turn into a lesbian, the woman to play with, the woman to have at your beck and call. There really is only one way: Create her. Build, design, construct, formulate, make her.
Surely you’ve kept up with the news? The technology exists today to do it and is in fact already being done, albeit NOT to create the perfect woman, but the perfect human warrior. But a little science can go a long way and I have figured out the tweaking required, tested and prototyped it and can now share with all those who want to create a perfect woman who you can then at your whim, turn into a lesbian.
Since it’s illegal to give out trade secrets, I can only share the process and materials in general terms. You’ll have to fuss with the details and the proportions and timing. One important note: due to some of the materials, this process regrettably excludes certain faiths.
Anyway, on with the show. You must have a credit card, an address and an empty room that is at least 3.05 x 3.6M (10′ x 12′). You must also have access to a stable source of electricity and water and sunlight. With your credit card, order the following items through the internet:
- a tempered glass L-State flotation tank with a stereo system
- an advanced electron microscope that can create images under one Å (0.1 nanometer)
- human male sperm
- human female egg
- human amino acids, proteins
- powdered human female uterus
- powdered pig bladder
- 2 petri dishes
- powdered pig intestines
- a bar fridge
- plunger syringe, and microtubing
- 10 cc of human plasma
- 3 drops of blood from the cutest girl you know
- 4 drops of HGH
- centrifuge and centrifuge tubing
- three powdered human funny bones
- a large wall-mounted clock.
- 5 kilos of Dead Sea salt.
If you are like most lesbians, you or someone in your posse knows someone who’s pregnant. You need to get the umbilical cord as it’s being snipped and make certain that the stem cells are immediately captured, safe and frozen. Keep them in the bar fridge, right above the bottles of San Pellegrino, frizzante, until you need them.
There may be some extra things you’ll want to consider. Think about the attributes you’d like your perfect woman to have. A wonderful chef? Dancer? Carpenter? For example, I would want to include a slice of Einstein’s brain since I happen to like women who are smart and think differently. I’d also want a strand of Emily Carr’s hair for her artistic sensibilities and if I could manage it, some of Roberta Bondar’s saliva, for her adventuring, diligent nature.
Make sure your empty room is painted alabaster white, with alabaster white blinds, the kind of blinds that people can’t see in even as you can see out. Make sure the door is a pocket sliding door.
When the flotation tank is delivered, set it up in front of the window, making sure that it is equidistant from each wall. Fill it with water, dump in the sea salt and set the thermostat to body temperature. Note where the small shelf is located inside the tank and the special flesh-coloured transparent receptacle that’s attached to it.
Once that’s all set up and organized, get the male sperm and female egg. Light some candles, play romantic music and introduce the two in a petri dish. When they hook up, and are together as one, slip them into the syringe and express them through the tube into the little centrifugal tube. You might hear a teeny, tiny WHEEE! as it travels through the tube.
Add a dash of the powdered uterus, funny bone, and a double dash the pig powders, and half of the stem cells you have gathered, together with any of the additional genetic material that you have gathered, snap the lid shut and shake it up for exactly 30 seconds. Gently pour the mixed up stuff onto the other petri dish. Lift the petri dish over your head, turn around three times saying, “She is for me”. When you have completed that, take a look under the microscope. You should see everything well mixed together and some beginnings of rainbow-coloured DNA. If you do not see rainbow coloured DNA yet, check your glasses, or get glasses, and if that doesn’t work, you must begin again with new material.
Please note that some researchers have reported seeing not only rainbow-coloured DNA, but seeing teeny, tiny rainbow flags being waved! Those reports are being investigated.
When you see rainbow coloured DNA, that’s the signal to pour the dish into the special receptacle in the flotation tank. Add in the proteins, amino acids, the remaining half of the stem cells, the rest of the powdered funny bone and finally the blood, HGH and plasma. Gently rock the receptacle back and forth eight times and seal it. Attach the tubes to the receptacle and gently release onto the water. It should float. If it doesn’t, you have to start again.
Above the shelf where the receptacle was are three dials. The first one lets you set a range for age and height, the second one lets you set the astrological sign you’d like her to be and the third one is to set the choice of tribe: femme, boi, butch, skater, rocker, etc. It’s an optional dial; you aren’t required to use it. When you are finished, close the lid to the tank, and when you are ready, press the BEGIN button.
Put the big clock on the wall. Go shopping and get clothes for her. Get some extra food. A big white fluffy towel and bath mat. Sip some San Pelli from the bar fridge.
I should explain that the receptacle functions as a womb and is made of the same chemical combinations found in wombs known to carry female infants who later became lesbians.
What normally takes years to make a woman of the age you’ve set, takes all of three days and if you are so inclined you can watch the entire process. During that three days there are things you can do to increase her perfection for you. For example, if you want her to like the same music as you, you can load your playlists into the tank’s stereo and play them non-stop.
If you want her to be particularly attentive to your voice, you can record yourself, talking about things you want her to know, imprinting a sensitivity and response to you. To make sure the sexual plaything is programmed, you can also load audiobooks, such as The Lesbian Kama Sutra with a couple of Quickies Thrown in for Fun, and The Complete Bawdy Works of Shakespeare’s Lesbian Cousin.
You can also make suggestions such as, “please make sure you never have PMS, or, never cheat, or always tell the truth, or I want you to always be in love with me no matter what I do or say, or I will always love you no matter what you say or do: I can’t wait to meet you, or I want you to find ways for us to have sex every day, or please like doing housework.”
When the three days — 72 hours — is done, a buzzer will sound and the tubes will fall away from what is now a fully grown woman, your woman. The lid to the tank will spring open, she will open her eyes and the first thing she will look at is you.
You will help her out of the tank, step onto the mat and wrap her in the big fluffy towel and you will wonder what to say to this woman, the perfect woman whom you created for your own use and pleasure. You might be tongue-tied: not a good thing for any lesbian. You might be hunting for words and wishing you had a prepared speech. On that my friend, I can’t help you. You’re on your own. You got yourself into this; you’re gonna have to get yourself through it. Besides, I’m actually old-fashioned. No artificially created women for me, thanks.
I did 10 tests figuring all this out. When it was all done, I reconfigured the tests and prototypes that I made and let them loose on the world and they’re doing fine. Some of them have even come out as heterosexual! Of course I wiped their memories clean and gave them alternate life stories so that they can fit in to our world and be just like the rest of us.
Oh yes; in the interest of full disclosure, you might be wondering how I know all of this as well as I do. Simple really: my paternal grandmother’s maiden name was Frankenstein.
** apologies for double updates. I got carried away 😉