You’ve spent time together for a little while now and today the two of you are sitting at the cafe, just hanging out, enjoying each other’s company and conversation. You’re reading to her; a paragraph from the paper about some crazy marriage proposal and as you turn your head to look at her and share a laugh at how silly people are, from out of nowhere those words, charging through to your consciousness, rushing from the back of your head to your vocal chords are about to burst from your mouth and to stop yourself from letting those words out, you kiss her.
Your mind is racing: those words are present and demanding a hearing and you don’t know what to do and you don’t know what to say and so you keep quiet for a little while, letting her talk and she’s watching you because she knows you and then she starts to wonder what’s wrong because for some in the lesbian world, quiet is not a good thing and when she asks you what’s wrong you smile and say nothing is wrong, that everything is right and to prove it you kiss her again, slowly until the kiss ends with both of you smiling.
You were about to say, “I’m so in love with you“.
You were going to say that to her. The energy of it was all over you, everywhere not just the tip of your tongue. Somehow you were completely clueless and didn’t know it was that close. But there you are suddenly surrounded and swimming in this feeling you weren’t expecting, and the feeling ran through you and washed over you with the words and you know it to be true because your heart was in your throat and you felt giddy and terrified and happy but you don’t want to say anything just yet; you’ll sit with it a while and figure it out.
You’ll wonder if you’re imagining it or truly feeling it. And if you’re truly feeling it, you will wonder what you’re going to do about it because love is huge and being in love is big and you aren’t sure you’re ready for huge or big, even though she’s wonderful and fun and smart and thoughtful and sexy and when you are with her you feel more you than you ever have in your whole entire life.
You’ve loved before and have a good idea of what works for you and what never will and so you think a bit more about this love thing and what it means and whether you will tell her. All this is going through your head as the two of you are talking, holding hands and as you’re thinking about all this, just a bit freaked inside and listening to her talk because you like her voice, you realize that you have some big thinking to do and just as you realize that and are trying to keep yourself together, she squeezes your hand as she says, “I think you should know that I’m falling in love with you.”
Maybe you’re shocked or maybe you’re relieved, but it doesn’t matter because now is the time to answer her with a kiss and get your thoughts together and figure out pronto how you are going to respond without dropping chicken feathers all over the floor.
Crazy Stupid Love: Truly, madly, deeply
Love does all sorts of crazy things with our brain chemistry and makes us do crazy stupid things, as if any lesbian needed an excuse to do crazy stupid things because let’s face it, we are not known for being conformists, even if some of us do wear button-down shirt collars.
Love opens doors and windows and heart and soul and creativity and wonder and can make all things possible. Loving her truly madly deeply might feel like a crazy stupid love, but it’s your crazy stupid love and it helps you do things you’d never in a million years ever think of doing.
I am not saying that as a Hallmark greeting card thing: falling in love makes the brain function differently and spurs creativity. It’s probably why some people, including lesbians, are addicted to the feeling, the chemical high of falling in love. If only such people had signs above their head: Serial monogamist — new lover every two years or so.
I wonder what these people mean when they say I love you. There’s no doubt they mean it when they say it, but what does it mean? Since I’m on the subject, what does I love you mean other than a declaration of deep, intense romantic feelings of attachment (EEEK!) for someone? What place is there for expectations and baggage and undeclared caveats that are along for the ride? How much space does love take? How much room does it give? Are there different meanings that go along with the different times and seasons of love and different times and ways of I love you?
I love you different ways
There’s the I love you expressed in the throes of passion.
There’s the I love you that you just have to say with warmth and affection and beaming love when she is being so her, the woman you adore, that the only thing to say is I love you.
There’s the I love you when she’s had a bad moment or a bad day and you wrap your arms around her murmuring I love you.
Or when she calls to say she’s on her way saying, “I love you. See you soon.”
Or the I love you as you both fall asleep, all cuddled up, cozy and warm together.
Love can mean that start of some things, the end of others. It can mean healing, it can mean home, it can mean adventure and exploration and discovery and partnership: co-conspirators in the lovefall.
What does love mean? (And it does not mean never having to say you’re sorry because that is SO not true.)
Love can mean everything and nothing and sometimes it can mean both at the same time.
Love is its own meaning, its own direction, its own journey, pointing all ways and always to different places, challenging us to be better, reach deeper, go higher, feel more, give more.
What does love mean? We. Us. You and me.
And so you will tell her, heart pounding.
May the Goddess be with you.