Questions land in my inbox and for the most part I look at them and sigh.
The most frequently asked question is about turning straight women into lesbians, followed by how a straight woman can find someone to have a lesbian experience with, followed by how to get a straight woman into bed, followed by how to tell if a lesbian is hitting on a straight woman followed by how to tell if a straight woman is hitting on a lesbian, and minor variations on those themes.
Some people have wondered if I make these questions up: I assure you I do not and am not. Witches’ honour. To prove it to you, I’m pulling out the questions from the search term corral to show you what lands here. I’m going to answer them too.
Questions and Answers
Q: What are the signs that a straight women is attracted to a lesbian?
A: When she takes her clothes off.
Q: How to turn a woman into a lesbian?
A: Turning her inside out usually works.
Q: How to give a lesbian hints that you love her?
A: Don’t hint. Tell her.
Q: Signs two women are attracted to each other?
A: Well, if you take the magnets out of their pockets and they are STILL attached at the hips and the lips, that’s a pretty good sign. Day-glo necklaces are a pretty good indication too.
Q: Did I turn her into a lesbian?
A: I don’t know. Did you?
Q: How can a lesbian get a straight woman into bed?
A: Ask her.
Q: Why do straight women turn lesbian?
A: Because ANYTHING is easier than making a left turn these days.
Q: I’m a lesbian interested in a straight woman. What do I do?
A: Take two aspirins, go to bed and hope the feeling goes away by the morning. If it doesn’t, call me. We’ll talk.
Q: How can a straight woman become a lesbian?
A: She stops being straight.
Q: Can you actually ‘turn’ lesbian?
A: In a secret place between a left turn, a right turn and heading gayly forward is a little known angle: from the point of that angle, you can turn many ways. Since I am the only one who knows that secret place, and that intersection with that point and that angle, it means that for the rest of you the answer is no.
Q: Signs that a lesbian is hitting on you?
A: When all you do is wonder if she’s hitting on you.
Q: Do lesbians fall in love quickly?
A: Only when they don’t fall in slow motion.
Q: How to turn a lesbian woman on?
A: Plug her in and flip the switch.
Q: Is it weird to want a lesbian experience?
A: No more weird than wanting a straight experience.
Q: How to let others know you are attracted to women who are lesbian?
A: Taking out a billboard sigh on the highway or wearing a sandwich board will definitely let others know you are attracted to women who are lesbians.
Q: I’m a lesbian who’s been used by a straight woman. What do I do?
A: Go to the detailing shop, get the dust and dirt removed and come out looking brand new. Then be kind to yourself and chalk it up to experience.
Q: Is it possible to turn a straight woman on?
A: Yes. It’s complicated though. If you call me I will tell you where the off/on switch is located.
Q: How to have a lesbian experience?
A: Be a woman.
Q: How to have a conversation with lesbian women?
A: I’m pretty sure the best way is to talk with her. Using your best words.
Q: How to find a lesbian experience?
A: You have to triangulate between the Isle of Lesbos, Atlantis and Ana Capri. I regret to inform you, however, that THAT treasure map is NOT for sale.
Q: How does a lesbian pursue a straight woman?
A: With stealth.
Q: How to turn down a lesbian?
A: Take the ‘no‘ you are going to give her, pull the corner down a centimetre from the edge of the pillow and straighten it out so that it is flawless and perfect and no one gets hurt.
Q: How do know when a woman you like is a lesbian too?
A: You don’t know what you don’t know and if she’s not telling you, well, you don’t know. So find out. Ask her out for a coffee. Throw around references that are appropriate to your lesbian age group: Tegan and Sara, L Word, Melissa Etheridge, Ellen, k.d. lang, Rubyfruit Jungle, Jane Olivor. Or wait until you see her holding hands with some woman somewhere, sometime in a future you might have dreamed about.
Q: Misconceptions about lesbians?
A: Yes, there are.
Q: Lesbian risk in asking out a straight woman?
A: The risk itself might actually not be lesbian. I would not assume that it is, actually, if it were me. However, the risk, regardless of the sexuality of it, is of the unpleasant kind unless you know with certainty that the answer is yes.
Q: The best lesbian love letter ever?
A: The one I’m writing.