No. You Can’t.

In mass communication and mind control theory, dog training and parenting practices as well as corporate communication, change management and political mumbo jumbo, it’s considered critical to be consistent, stay on message and communicate, communicate, communicate your ass off because people don’t remember what you tell them so you have to say it several times, in different ways, across all media: tell ’em, tell ’em and oh, tell ’em again. It’s simply not possible to over-communicate a key message when you are trying to change something, specially how people think about a thing.

And so when four people asked me that question, the one that makes me twitch, I took a deep breath and considered how on earth to answer it yet again for the sixth freaking time, but this time with more precision and clarity since it seems my earlier FIVE responses were ineffective. The question?

How to turn a straight woman into a lesbian?

Oh, grrrrrr.  The answer is very simple.

And No. You can’t. You might be able to kiss her and have friend-curious-sex with her. You might find that she’s bi-curious or wants that one lesbian experience that doesn’t include a rice or tofu dish. You might even get to live with her and play house for a while; but, if she’s NOT a lesbian YOU are not going to transform her into one.

Imagine me furrowing my shapely eyebrows at this question and wondering what the real issue is behind it. Imagine me puzzling my puzzler: what, exactly, is it about changing a woman from what and how she is into what and how someone else wants her to be for their own personal use and enjoyment? Imagine me putting my left hand on my hip and shaking my right forefinger at you telling you to play NICE with the straight people and let them be.

If she does not desire you in her mind, body and soul (the ingredients necessary to become a lesbian by the way), accept that you can’t make her be something she is not. And that is as it should be. We can’t have roaming bands of pirate lesbians press-ganging reluctant straight women into the good ship SS Lesbiana to be our comfort women. It’s just not right.

Leave straight women alone for GODDESS sake. Or talk to a professional about why you want a woman you can’t actually be with and why you like to torture yourself about a love or a sex partner that is not flavoured, or made, that does not tick think or feel the same way as you about women.

Maybe you don’t know any lesbians, or maybe you haven’t thought to notice that there are lesbians who are flat-out amazing in every way that you can think of — smart, fun, sexy, caring, nice, interesting and tres cool. I don’t know about you, but it is incredibly appealing when the woman you are attracted to also happens to be attracted to you because oh, guess what? She’s a lesbian! Seriously: there are wonderful women out there who are lesbians or bisexual. Give them a chance. (I know finding them is tough but if you wanted easy you’d not be a lesbian in the first place.)

We don’t really need to recruit any more, you know. Our numbers are growing. And if that doesn’t sway you, consider the environment. The world NEEDS straight women. The world NEEDS diversity. Apparently straight men need straight women too, but that’s a whole other conversation.

I know that there are some straight women who are cool and wonderful and definitely worthy of carrying a girl crush torch for. But leave it at that. If she is questioning and wants to try on being a lesbian and if you are the target for her first foray into lesbian love you’d know it. She’d read books at your place, on your bed, in her underwear.

So, are we clear yet, people? Repeat back to me what you have just learned when I ask you the question: Can you turn a straight woman into a lesbian?

<<<<Cupping ear to hear a loud chorus of:

Good. Glad we’ve FINALLY got that straight.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to No. You Can’t.

  1. Terrisita says:

    Always intriguing, consistently entertaining…just wondering though, is this a legitimate issue that you find in your personal realm, or more of an observational theme that you have become aware of in your research? I do appreciate your dedication to the “JUST SAY NO” mantra, it makes perfect sense…If it ain’t fixed, don’t break it…crazy glue and duct tape are limited in their influence, (in this matter anyway). I do particularly like your line “We don’t have to recruit any more”…(or any less?) I don’t remember recruitment officers…perhaps I was distracted, by, well, hmmm….I don’t remember. Anyway, that being said, you, my dear, are smart, fun, sexy, caring, nice, interesting and tres cool. And a damned fine writerer.

    • fs says:

      T; Thank you my friend. So to answer your question — it is a question that is asked, both in real life and, in Google search terms: WordPress shows you the search terms that direct people to you blog — and there are invariably, every single day, questions about how to turn/transform/make a straight woman into a lesbian. But when ALL of the questions are about that, well, I had to just say no. Today there WAS a question about where a straight woman could look for her first lesbian experience. I get the sex part, and I also get how sexuality is much more fluid than we think, but geez: SOME sex education would be really, really good.

      You? Distracted? Hmmm….say it isn’t so. I thought you ran the recruitment office. Or was that the other blonde? 😉 Not that I’d ever confuse you with anyone else: just not possible to do.

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