What the (lesbian) heart wants

Welcome, travellers. How wonderful to find you here. You might be wondering where here is. Here is a place that will never appear on the map of any country, or of any solar system. Here is a place so obvious and common you will not remember it when you leave. Here is the invisible landing strip at the edge of that multidimensional point where all universes expand, contract and converge until the next step, where the path is forged as you walk it.

Here is also where my monkey mind doesn’t want to think or write and so I have run out of things to write about. And when I run out of thing to write about, I just breathe and listen to my heart. Or the heartbeat of others.

You know heart, don’t you? It’s that vital organ in your body, leftish side, protected by your ribcage. It’s the one that does the thump, thump, thump thing non-stop. It’s the beatbox, drum kit contraption in a body that pounds, pounds, pounds and pumps, skips, jumps, runs, stretches, opens, lets people and ideas and creatures in and throws them out, takes so many things and gives just as much away, aches with longing and love and other times bursts with joy. It’s that four-chambered muscle that moves in a rhythm for your entire life until the day that it doesn’t any more.

Now you might think that heart is the only thing involved in love and to a point you would be correct. However, the thing we call mind is equally involved. Not that we know what mind is. It’s a name for something we can’t see, don’t know where to find, or how it even comes into being. Like love.

It is the mind that makes the world, interprets all of the information from the 17 different senses and the 175,000 teeny tiny energy sensors in the body and from all of that input, decides what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Mind is also believing what we want to see and that can sometimes lead a heart astray.

The heart would not know love were it not for mind. Heart and mind need each other. The ultimate partnership, sometimes graceful and together as in a fluid pas-de-deux or sometimes disjointed and disconnected in an angst-ridden, edgy Dada-esque dance farce.

ultimate partnership

In lesbians, heart is bigger than most. You laugh, but I know this to be true. The evidence, you ask? If it were not bigger than most, no sane, reasonable woman would ever throw convention aside and risk so much to do what her heart compelled her to do: to find love and life with a woman, emotionally, sexually, whole heartedly. No woman would do that against all odds, giving up family, safety and in some cases, sanity. Granted sanity and in some cases, family, is highly overrated but even so: to follow your heart’s desire takes a bigger heart, a bigger mind than what’s required to conform to what’s expected. Were the lesbian heart not bigger than most, there would be no lesbians.

What does this bigger-than-most lesbian heart want? Everything. Anything. Something.

It is true that not all lesbians want relationships. And not all lesbians want love. Some just want sex; that heart-stopping, crazy-making, deep, dizzying, amazing and intense sex, with as many women as possible. Why not? As long as orgasms are not confused with love, all is well, all will be well.

It is also true that not all who are lesbians today will be lesbians for the rest of their life. The heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes it takes us away from what we thought we knew about ourselves.

What does the lesbian heart want? Goddess only knows. Maybe it wants many things. Spectrums. Layers. Depths. Heights. Balance. Intensity. Love. Acceptance. Wonder. Arms to hold and lips to kiss and skin to touch and someone to listen and someone to share silence. A place to call home. Comfort, contentment. Belonging. Trust. Safety. Food. To matter. To be felt. To be heard. Connectedness. Passion. Life. Art. Music. More. To fully breathe. More; just more.

Today, here, now: I am trying to wander the high road and am taking a break, stopping to pull out my silent soapbox, placing it under a big old oak tree. As I step on it, I think of how the acorn is the tree and the tree is the acorn — that thou art. As I stand there, I place my hand over my lesbian heart and feel it pounding hard. I’m listening to it so deeply that my ears twitch. And I wonder about lesbian hearts and what they might want in this invisible here that can’t be found on any map of any country or any solar system.


About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to What the (lesbian) heart wants

  1. Mint Meltaways. My heart wants Mint Meltaways. Other than that, it has everything.

    • FS says:

      You Princess have been blessed by the Goddess herself. I’ll see what i can do to expedited the delivery of a package to you.

  2. Dace says:

    I have always thought that being a lesbian is the same as being just a human being. What do lesbians want? the same thing everybody else wants – a good life, a person to love, to be loved, to be able to tie a knot if that is something they desire, to have kids and a white picket fence (if that is a part of the dream), to have a good job, to have a carrier.
    In other words, just be like everybody else and have same rights as everybody else. We are so different but quiet similar when it comes to how we see our future.
    Flirting with guys or girls or transgenders. It doesn’t matter as long as you do not have bad intensions, don’t want to hurt the other person or to play with their feelings. Flirting is fun and it flatters…
    Sometimes I think that humans have this weird need or want to label everything – people, relationships, things, feelings and etc. However, human heart is way more complicated that ones ability to rationalize.

    Can we say with certainty that somebody is going to be gay for the rest of their lives and will never ever feel attraction to the opposite sex? I don’t think so. We meet so many people during our lifetime that it would be impossible not to meet people of the opposite or same sex that we click. Can we fully love them with all our hearts, body and soul? Who knows…you never can say never.

    • FS says:

      Dace; It’s true: we seem to have an innate, unconscious thing in categorizing, labelling: some think it goes back to the “are you like me or not like me, and if you are not like me, are you friend or foe”–an evolutionary kind of thing. Difference is always challenging. At times thought, so is thinking everyone is the same. Are we? Or maybe it is the expression of the same desires that is different. I don’t really know. Are Klingons the same as the Vulcans? Or closer to the Romulans? What’s curious is how some of us humans believe that the label is all there is to someone. And flirting that is fun and flattering IS great fun. Any day of the week. Anywhere on the planet. 😉

  3. bookish butch says:

    This lesbian heart wants it all–,and to tell, you, how special you are.Thank you, for making me feel and think and for chocking me up. I’m not flirting:-)

    • FS says:

      BB: Oh my goodness… hmmm where to start? I might like that the organization of words twigs a thought or a feeling. And while it might be considered heresy in the lesbian world, I think that flirting is a perfectly natural thing to do, and healthy too. Be well, BB.

      • feralgeographer says:

        Is flirting heresy? I flirt all the time… I too think it’s perfectly natural, and generally a healthy way of connecting with people, as long as one maintains clear boundaries. Of course, that’s just what a heretic would say, isn’t it 😉

        I do want everything, you’ve sure got that spot on… Everything.

      • FS says:

        Hey FG: I, for one, do not believe that flirting is heresy provided that the boundaries are clear..and yes a heretic would say that. A heretic might also say that a little fantasy is good and natural too. You are going to have a very interesting life being on that path of everything. Drop a line or two about how your quest goes 🙂 and do travel safe.

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