Lesbians wish for things. Love. Acceptance. Money. Recognition in their field. A family that cares. To be older, younger, smarter, cuter, fluent in seven languages. To be healthier, to lose weight, to gain weight, to live without fear. To have talent with the discipline to use it, to rock a T-shirt and a pair of jeans, to have great hair. To be free of addictions and debt, to travel, to have a dog or a cat, or a bunny — oh wait, the bunny’s MY wish — or a best friend or not feel alone. Some lesbians wish to have a woman in every port in the world before settling down, or just have lots of strings-free sex, or to fall in love and never get out, to get pregnant, or to save the world.
Other lesbians wish to write the best lesbian novel EVER, to be an artist, to have fun, to stop the wars, to stop hate, to stop the world for a minute, to cure cancer, cure stupidity, to stop climate change, to experience everything, to experience more, to not worry, to be able to feed the kids, to become a Buddhist nun, to have inner peace, to have faith in something or someone, to stop negative patterns of behaviour, to stop hurting themself and others, to live a good life and be a good person, to live lightly on the earth, to laugh.
It seems that if a thing can be wished, a lesbian somewhere will wish it. And lately, it seems that there has been a constant chorus of wishes from around the lesbian globe floating through the air that have somehow managed to reach the ears of the Goddess. Now it just so happens that part of Her contract states that if She hears a wish she has to grant it. However, She-Who-Ain’t-No-Dummy (aka the Goddess) normally wears ear plugs since there’s nothing in the contract that says she can’t.
This past weekend she happened to be doing some Goddess-type heart-melting yoga under the perigee moon and had to remove the ear plugs. As she did the asanas, as her heart was melting, she heard the chorus of wishes.
A couple of extraterrestrial communications later to a circus that’s a cover for specially skilled creatures resulted in a conversation and triggered a series of phone calls that got a package delivered to my home office. The package contained an envelope and what looked like a telephone number but was not. I keyed the numbers on my Mac and received instructions about the envelope and what I am to do with it.
I was instructed to give out Wish tickets.
Seriously. It seems that the Goddess had just finished watching The Wizard of Oz for the 3,217th time and was impressed yet again by how the cowardly Lion became courageous when he received a medal and how the Scarecrow got smart when he received a paper diploma and how the Tin Man found the sound of a clock gave him a heart he didn’t have and how Dorothy only had to click her ruby red heels three times to be home even if it was in a dream.
As Goddess was doing her yoga of super slow moves, it came to her: she would give out Wish tickets. She had to check that it was okay to do it that way. Contract and all. Her innovative approach was given the green light. Wishes will be granted by the Goddess to lesbians who ask for a Wish ticket, which can only be done through the usual channel: my department in the Lineage.
There are 118 tickets on the roll. For those of you who get a ticket, you’ll receive instructions on the correct ritual for sending your wish to the Goddess. First come, first served, and a skill-testing Lesbian question WILL be asked. If a non-lesbian happens to get through and get a ticket, well, let me say this about that: you will be dealing with one most pissed-off Goddess who can curse you and your progeny oh, creatively and forever. So don’t do it.
As with all wishes, remember that it can take up to a year for a wish to be granted once a decision has been made to grant it. That means you can watch the Wizard of Oz at least 800 times to get your feel-good feelings going when you sing along with the songs. Remember not to be scared by the Flying Monkeys — oh wait: that’s me who’s scared of them. Anyway, it’ll take a few days for 118 of you to get your bearings and figure out how to contact my department’s Lineage office for your Wish ticket.
In the meantime, gotta teleport into the Emerald City (Following yellow brick road is SO old school!) I have an audience with the Great Oz to convey greetings from the Goddess and to open negotiations to embed an L Wizard in the Great Green metropolis. If the Wish ticket thing works, it’ll be an annual event. From NO wishes granted to 118 per year. How cool is that?
~~~Waves, skipping into the teleporter, singing…..I’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz..because because because because because …… of all of the wonderful things SHE does!~~~