Transform into a lesbian

Seriously

The Background

This past weekend, I happened to catch a BBC debate on homosexuality in Africa. The debate was titled, Is Homosexuality Un-African? because some indigenous Africans believe that the only reason there’s any homosexuality in Africa is because Europeans — white people — brought it there. BBC, that daring paragon of public discourse, organized the debate. Among many of the stunningly ignorant statements made by people who hate homosexuals — and yes it is hate — was, “we have evidence that they recruit.”

They, meaning people like me, us homosexual people, are out there, actively recruiting just like the army, universities and companies.

Really? Adults really believe this stuff?

I watched that show feeling somewhat incredulous. Actually, I am understating it: my jaw was on the floor more times than not. The group against homosexuality used hate and religion and bigotry as the basis of its argument. Interestingly, no mention was made of the rabid religious fundamentalism that’s coursing across Africa, organized by groups originating from oh, white places in Europe and America.

Still, I watched it to learn what evidence they have about recruitment. That information was not forthcoming. And when the debate was over, there was still only hate. Some people were seething at the end.

The show had me pondering at least 17 different things, which is about the max my little brain can handle at one time: issues of race, gender, history, family, religion, apartheid, tribes, nationalism, education, globalism, imperialism, religion, indigenous cultures, economics, the UN, individuality, human rights, and more were all evident in that debate and they played out around sexuality. All that was pinging around in my brain, but mostly, I was wondering WHAT evidence of recruitment could they possibly have?

A Truth

We were careful after the breach. All recruitment activities were suspended. The statement on the BBC show should not have happened. Do I dare? I made a few calls. The Lesbian Lineage Curiosity Alert. And waited for the return call.

Then it was bedtime. In between reading about Japan, natural and nuclear disasters and fluffing the pillows, I read about a lesbian who had her breasts surgically removed because she doesn’t feel like a woman and is not sure she wants to be a man and now a few years after her surgery, she doesn’t understand why people don’t understand her. I drifted off to sleep, waking a few times during the night to check that my breasts were still attached to my chest. All too soon it was morning.

Morning: dogs out, espresso machine on and CBC Morning News on the TV. Sipping espresso, feeling a bit overwhelmed with the news of natural disasters, wars and economic and nuclear meltdown so I switched channels and caught a little thing on OutTV that profiled some of Montreal’s lesbian “queer culture”, a culture that enables you to get your bike fixed AND get a lesbian queer haircut in the same place. Only in Montreal. I hoped that one day some Illuminati funds make their way to OutTV. Please. And to lesbian hairstylists.

Then, I saw it flash on my Lineage laptop: Transform into a lesbian.

Oh. My. Goddess. The recruitment slogan. It shouldn’t be showing up.

The Lesbian Illuminati had a strategic planning session here in Toronto over the Thanksgiving weekend (Canadian) and the recruitment drive was number three on the agenda following item #1 Lesbian Moms with Tots time and item #2 Dykes with Tykes. (I only heard about this meeting by the way — rumours of my position in the Illuminati are completely unfounded. I’m Lineage, remember?)

On recruitment, it seems that our numbers are up: Girls as young as 14 are showing up on Tumblr declaring their queerness. The rise in numbers is steady and seems to surge every time a really attractive or cool celebrity comes out.

The new recruitment campaign was to be a multi-tiered strategy across all media, around the world, in print, music, film, on the street, all with a message of transformation. But it’s suspended now.

I did some digging; needing to ID where that flashing search term on my laptop originated from. I started with calls to well-placed paramours who’ll tell me anything. We in the Lineage are trained in the art of voice and well, let’s just say it gets the job done. Whatever and whoever the job happens to be.

Satellite recon ID’d the location of the person who searched on Transform into a Lesbian. A few more calls. System hacked, data uploaded and hard drive fried. Aren’t power surges a pain in the ass?

The call I was waiting for came through. I have been cleared to share with you why the recruitment campaign was halted as a reminder of just how uneven acceptance for LGBT people across the world remains. A week after the strategy session, an Illuminati intern was kidnapped. That intern served at the strategy session and heard everything.

Seems that the intern’s family is connected to that Ex-Gay Movement in the US. Not only did they kidnap her, they put her through deprogramming. At some point she told them everything she knew, including details about the recruitment.

The Lesbian Illuminati contacted the Lineage and we worked collaboratively, cooperatively and without an evident leader to stop ALL recruitment activity around the world. We did it in 36 hours. My department branched out to retrieve every single one of the posters, flags, buttons, T-shirts and hacked into Itunes to remove the free single of the week featuring Pink, Madonna and Lady Gaga singing a song we wrote called Transform Yourself.

It was going to be a brilliant campaign. Fresh, upbeat, happy, complete with a ton of helpful collateral material. We had the complete guide to Transforming from a straight woman into a Lesbian in 10 easy steps. In 507 languages. With pictures and Scratch ‘n’ Sniff tabs. And we had an entirely new method to overcome that “I’ve never even kissed a girl before, what do I do NOW” dread that we field tested with a great deal of rigour just to prove it works. Oh and we negotiated a deal through an Illuminati member who is connected with some fashion houses so that all new recruits would receive discounts on their new uniform or tribal wear.

There were important additions to this recruitment campaign. We realized that previous campaigns didn’t adequately prepare new lesbians for the reality of lesbian life. So we looked to better support the health of the overall community and developed the following content titles:

  1. Avoiding Lesbian Drama at All Costs
  2. Managing PMS-induced Insecurities So That You Don’t Destroy your Life
  3. Vanilla, Chocolate or Kink
  4. How To Be In A Relationship and Not Lose Your Own Identity
  5. the Seven Most Important Things To Do on a First Lesbian Date and Three Things Not To Do, and
  6. Two Women, two pets and PMS in the House.

We nodded slightly at identity politics and did NOT cater to any dominant age, class, hair colour or body type and STILL somehow managed to keep the fun and wonder of loving women front and centre. It was going to be our best campaign ever.

But there are dark forces of hate in the world. The Ex-Gay movement is well-connected too. In less than 24 hours, the intern’s information was distributed to those people across the world, including Africa.

The Transform Into a Lesbian campaign is on ice. We have a different strategy now; however, I’m not at liberty to share what that is.

As for the intern, she escaped from her family when the drugs wore off and made her way back to the Illuminati who, although understanding of what happened, have determined that she’s too-high risk to keep there. However, she is talented in the way that the Illuminati requires of its members. After many meetings, consultations and lesbian mind melds to reach the oracle of the goddess, a solution presented itself.

The intern underwent surgery to adjust some unique, identifying physical features. All with her informed consent, of course. Her family would not recognize her on the street. She is in a safe house, in a safe town, in a nondescript European country, recovering from her physical and emotional ordeals. While she doesn’t know it, she is also quietly being assessed for potential as an adjunct member of the Lineage.

In the meantime, my staff developed an overarching algorithm to watch for Transform into a Lesbian searches anywhere and everywhere it appears in all languages. The program will intercept all search results and return “No Results Found” to the searcher.

It’s moot now, but Transform into a Lesbian for the campaign slogan was meant to be cheeky. You can’t Transform a Straight Woman into a Lesbian. Not unless she is already interested in women emotionally, sexually, and as a possible goalie on the hockey team. The Recruitment is a safety campaign around the world so that women who have no other way of connecting with other lesbians can do so, safely.

But it can’t happen in the same way this year. The Hate Campaign has to be confronted, and resources have been diverted to tackle it. We’ve been talking about the celesbian factor: if celebrities keep coming out, we might not need big campaigns in the future.

In the meantime, we’re back to answering dreams and wishes for a while as we fortify the hearts and minds of women who know who they are and will not be silenced by hate.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Transform into a lesbian

  1. Curses! We’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those blasted right-wing conservatives kids and their evil pet robot. By the way, I still have a case of pamphlets in my garage. Could you be a dear and send someone to pick them up?

    • FS says:

      Princess: Of course: I’ll dispatch my flying, rainbow-coloured unicorn 😉 who is in fact THAT most interesting of women when she transforms into human form. The things we have to do to live in this dimension!

  2. You are an absolute joy. You make me laugh, think and want to recruit:-)
    I appreciate how you share such thought worthy information in such an entertaining fashion. Thank you.

    • FS says:

      BB — Thank you. :-). I’ll forward your name next time we get around to recruiting. And you DO know I was teasing about Montreal, I hope. It is a fabulous city in every season when there isn’t snow. 😉

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