If you were me

Who Are You?


If you were me, you’d be wondering about you. Who you are, what brings you here, what you think about, wonder about, obsess over. You as me would wonder what kind of person you are, and, is the person you are close to the person you want to be?

If you were me, you’d wonder some general lesbian things: of the people who visit, how many are lesbians? What kind of accents do they have? What do their voices sound like? What movies do they like? What kind of shoes, boots, socks, watches do they wear? What do they look like? How many have THAT smile..? Freckles? How many have dark hair, red hair, blonde hair? (We have already established that I spy looks, so if you were me, you would too.)

Because it’s something I’d do, you would wonder about tribal identification: of the lesbians who visit here, how many identify with a tribe, or want a tribe. You’d be curious about the largest tribe, the middle tribe and the smallest tribe. And of course you’d be very interested in how many are of the do-not-categorize-me, non-tribe of iconoclasts, a tribe full of The Lone Lesbian. And you’d wonder with a slight frown at the I-am-a-lesbian-but-don’t-care-for-any-of-that-feminist-nonsense tribe. And of course the sub-tribes of partnered, single, dating, heartbroken, troubled…

If you were me, you’d have a bourgeois moment: (sad, but true). How many are in health care, in business, in academia (teaching or studenting), in retail, in government, service industries, retired, artists, writers, creative arts, or living the way they want to?

You’d wonder if any of the people who visit here who are not your friends, that you don’t actually know, are the kind of people to sit and spend time with at a cafe and if so, what on earth would we talk about?Art? Writing? Travel? Yoga? Music? Workout routines? Books? Women? Relationships? Pets? The changing world? Sex and sensibility? The role of women in data mining and skateboarding?

If you were me, you’d wonder a lot about many things, some connected to being a lesbian, some connected to being a woman, and some not connected to either of those at all. Like tonight: you’d wonder how it is that people believe the end of the world as we know it is scheduled for 11:11 p.m. on December 21, 2012. Or possibly May, 2012. By the way, that’s right after the end of science as we know it, which follows the end of the family as we know it, which follows the end of good vanilla ice cream as we know it, which comes after the end of the world’s bee population as we know it which is all signaled by the end of the Siberian Tiger as we know it. So not all wonderings are lesbian.

Of course, if you are not a lesbian, or a bisexual woman, or are not a woman questioning her sexuality, or are not a woman at all, if you were me, you’d be wondering and waving hello.

That’s if you were me. But you aren’t me, you’re you. And whoever you are, thank you for dropping by…

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
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14 Responses to If you were me

  1. Sarah says:

    Well, if what they say is true and we’re all connected, on some level you *are* me!

    So, if you were me: you would be just starting to come back to life nearly two years after your love/heart/home died of cancer, after having been blessed with being together for 20 years (with a couple-few years before that of becoming friends). You would be grateful that she allowed you to accompany her as much as possible on her transition/journey, and be feeling vaguely disloyal for starting to feel interested in life again (while knowing that she would have wanted you to “move on” far sooner than this!). You would also appreciate her teaching you that all we have is right here and right now, and interact with people as much as possible from that perspective (without much patience for the empty filler that sometimes passes for conversation). You would be proud to have managed to finish your degree (put on hold during her illness) and slowly be broadening your horizons — lurking around community on-line (thank you for your blog!) and joining a lesbian social group, looking for work/networking, volunteering for several non-profits. (You would also be trying not to be overly shy while doing all of this!)

    If you were me, you wouldn’t much think of what category you fit into (though, paradoxically, you would find strength in your religious group and pride in being queer). When younger, a friend would have thought of you when asked in a dance class to walk like a woman, and the instructor would tell said friend that he was walking like a man. You would be the chief cook and bottle-washer in your relationship (though not the house cleaner!). Your accent would be a mish-mash of northeastern US/Haligonian/SW ON. Favourite shoes (most of the year): Blundstones. You wouldn’t wear a watch. You would consider yourself an environmentalist and try to live as lightly on the earth as you can. Food: relatively local and organic. You would know that dark chocolate is a food group (vitamin Ch! )

    • FS says:

      Sarah; I am very, very honoured to meet you. Dark chocolate IS a food group, many women wear Blunnies beautifully, and housecleaning…. well, the less said about THAT, the better. Thank you so much for sharing who I would be if I were you. I think we could most definitely sit and have conversations at the cafes….and since you are you and I am me, it would not be empty filler. May I share…? There are no words when your partner has cancer. You move into action and hoping and taking care. There are no words for grief and loss, just as there is no getting over the loss of your heart, your love, your partner, your home. There is no moving on and putting it behind you: it’s there now, woven into the fabric of who you are and how you are in the world, because for some damned reason, the world does not stop turning when we experience our own personal earthquake, our own intimate tsunami. There is a getting through, although not to an any other side: it’s simply back to the here and now and to life and living. Here, always now, that eternal present. It’s getting through. I hope you were gently held by people who care for you.

      A watch is about the human construct of time: mind and heart know better.

      Hmmm, lesbian social group??

      So if I were you, I’d be someone who is courageous, who feels the fear and does it anyway, who is moving from that state of chrysalis….? bringing with you the knowledge and gratitude of learning about and witnessing and participating in love, life and the end of life. I said earlier that I am very honoured to meet you. And I am. We are all connected in ways that intersect in strange and wonderful ways. I am shy too, however, I cannot thank you enough and am sending you a virtual hug with a rustic dark chocolate centre …and hope it finds you. 🙂

      • Sarah says:

        Thanks so much for your heartfelt reply, FS (and the healing/cleansing tears you provoked with your kind understanding)! I concur, if only from your blog posts to date, that we could probably find much to talk about were we to meet at a café.

        What a wonderful phrase: intimate tsunami (though it wouldn’t occur to me to use such evocative language – it’s just life that I’ve been experiencing, in all of its immediacy and finality). I have indeed been blessed with gentle loving support these past several years, thanks for your wish.

        Courageous? It doesn’t feel that noble to me. I’ve been plodding along, one foot in front of the other, not wanting to waste this gift of life and trying to trust that the universe has a reason for me to still be here.

        Chrysalis: again, what a perfect allusion! I am indeed coming out of my grief-shell, wondering where my path will bring me and what will next appear to/for me. However, in a bit of a paradox, RE: getting back to life and living, I’m finding that I’ve got to re-grow a shell to make my way with everyone else in the world. My spouse’s illness opened me up such that I now interact with people without much artifice; however, our culture seems to require more distance between us all. I feel that I need to relearn how to buffer myself to fit in with “polite” society.

        Virtual, chocolate-y hug gratefully received/shared. Thank you, not-yet friend!

      • FS says:

        Sarah: You are most welcome :-). It’s true, isn’t it that our culture in many ways, at least that bustling one zipping about does much to keep life, living deeply and death as far away as possible. You have been to core of it…it’s challenging to come out and see that as you have changed, not much else seems to have. Sarah it’s courageous to plod, one foot in front of the other, just doing it, one step at a time, and trusting that process. That IS courage, and that is noble. Isn’t that the journey?

        Polite society?? Oh my gosh how boring. Maybe you get to determine the size and the depth of your armour this time in ways you might not have thought about before. Plus, if you are doing all this with a SW ONT accent, well darlin’ you just rock.

  2. finding my way says:

    Hello FS 🙂

    I love ice-cream, sundaes in particular. I’m thinking of that ONE sundae. If you’re like me, you’ll remember it, not because it was the most delicious or the most refreshing. You’ll remember it, if you’re like me, because of the reason you were treating yourself or were being treated and the person or people that shared the moment with you.

    If you’re like me, you’ll remember relishing every spoonful, then every drop of melted ice-cream and toppings that you could scrape from the fountain dish, then wishing the moment (and the sundae) would last just a bit longer.

    I’m me and I wonder about me, who I am, what kind of person I am and if I’m who I want to be. It’s nice to think that someone I haven’t met, that might have seen me at the Ice Cream Shoppe, is wondering…

    Sometimes I’m comfortable and easy, like chocolate and vanilla. Others, I clash like pineapple on butter pecan. Most of the time, I’m traveling somewhere in between and thankful that I’ve had a lot of those, sundae moments.

    You helped me remember that most of the answers to your questions become clearer with time and are constantly evolving. It’s the special people and time I share with them, that define who I am… Like opening my email, after a tough day, and having one of your posts inspire me or maybe just make me smile.

    • FS says:

      Hello 🙂 and thank you. Hmmmm. I love ice cream too, any day. Sundaes… require careful construction for special days, with special people: agreed. Pineapple and butter pecan is kinda scary! And a smile is always a good thing, specially when mixed with wondering.

      • finding my way says:

        Still wondering…. sundae tribe?

        There was a sign in a shoppe, it read something like this; “You could have a different sundae here, everyday for 10,000 years!”

        Big tribe… 🙂

      • FS says:

        Thinking. Ok — food favourite tribe works…. it would be interesting to see how that works. Can you imagine the archeological dig on that…? Future archeologists wondering what one EARTH the diet was like… 😉

  3. Melissa says:

    Hello! I am from the I do not like labels, but if I had to choose I guess I’d say I’m a femmutch…a tweener…a chapstick lesbian who on occasion wears lipstick…
    Or I’d say that I am a came out later in life lesbian, but who knew she was at least bi by the age of 13, but didn’t come completely out the proverbial closet until around 30. I’m a student, who was a professional in the finance industry but was laid off/let go and am now on unemployment and in search of a career (thus the reason I’m finishing college).
    I’d say that I’m a lesbian who absolutely loves your blog, and your words often make me smile; and I often find myself in deep thought over some of the things you’ve said.
    I’d say that before I read some of your posts I had no clue about some of the slang, terms, etc…but I’m learning.
    I’d say that I’m a curly, dark red head (with touches of grey), and I have freckles…My two favorite pairs of shoes are my black leather harness Frye boots, and my Rainbow flip-flops…I also have a pair of Nine West black leather boots with heels that could almost be considered stilletos that I love. My accent would be Southern, and I absolutely love to read–it’s my favorite past-time.
    It’s nice to meet you,

    • FS says:

      Melissa; Absolutely, lovely to meet you :-). And thank you. How cool + courageous are you?? Coming out later, going back to school and wearing rainbow-coloured flip flops. (I am sorry to hear about being laid off/let go: that is a very difficult thing to bear. I hope it frees you).

      Frye boots and near-stiletto sounds… exactly femmutch, tweener. A good tribe. I’ll assume black leather goes with lipstick? It sounds as if we could definitely sit in a cafe and talk…. by Southern, I am going out on a limb here and say that you are NOT referring to Southern Ontario, but the Southern United States of America. Now, geography is not one of my strong points, but I have had occasion to discover that there are lots and lots of different Southern accents… Arizona, North Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Texas, Louisiana…

      and I am happy to hear that something I might say brings a smile.

      I see we share an interest in coffee…? Hmmmmm… more deep thoughts.

      Take care of you

      • Melissa says:

        Yes, black leather and lipstick do go together. 🙂
        Yes, Southern, would be Southern United States, and out of the Southern states it would be the good ole’ Southern state of South Carolina, one of the Bible Belt State’s.
        I LOVE coffee. I’m drinking a cup of coffee right now…actually a mocha coffee. I love coffee shops, cafe’s…

  4. Just saying Hi!! You already know who I am:-)

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