Seriously, is there like an underground turning contest going on? The Gumball Rally but with straight women instead of cars? Is the lesbian that creates the most forever lesbians the winner?
Let me share with y’all why I find the question boring and frustrating.
First: Put up your hand if you — a lesbian — have had the hots for or have thought yourself in love with a straight women and would have or did do everything you could to try to get her to turn? <Counts hands> Right. And how many of you NOW know that you can’t magically transform a straight woman into a lesbian, even if you still wish you could? <Counts hands> Right. So the moral of the lesbian story is that you CAN NOT do it. Can’t. As in just ain’t gonna happen. So it gets boring and frustrating answering the same question over and over and over again.
Second. You can’t do it. But I can.
As it happens, I am the one of the lesbians around the world who are keepers of arcane, occult knowledge passed down the ages through a select Lineage of Lesbians (the Lineage) since the 12th century. A certain near-invisible mark on my tragus identified me to the Lineage as one of them and through a ritual of initiation too painful to recount here, I proved worthy to join the Lineage to train to become one of the Knowledge Mistresses.
Following 10 years and 35,000 hours of deep immersion and training in what we refer to as The Knowledge, I was subjected to a year — 365 days — of non-stop testing and examination to ensure that I could recite and enact to good effect all of this knowledge from memory alone. It was a bit iffy during days of PMS — memory takes a dive around that time.
Part of that arcane and occult knowledge includes recipes and processes for recruiting straight women to the tribe. In the event that simple recruiting fails, there are more effective tools, procedures and practices that are highly successful at turning straight women into lesbians. So people: I KNOW how to do this and let me say this about that: I can turn them into really GOOD lesbians too.
After that year of testing, I was brought before a tribunal. It seems I managed a more than perfect score of 120 per cent out of 100, more than any previous student. I’m not bragging. It’s truly a burden to be a good learner. They wanted to post me immediately. The thing is, I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be out there in the world being the secret resource deployed to help lesbians in need. I didn’t want to be the one who was called on to do transformations of straight to gay. It’s all so very Tooth Fairyish and all SO very-much not me.
To my mind, just because I was capable of doing something didn’t mean I had to do it. But the Lineage wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. After much discussion and hard-assed negotiation on my part I was allowed to step down from world duty. Instead, I worked to create a new arm of insight essential to the Lineage and built its library and resource centre; still in the knowledge business, just differently. Knowledge gathering and exchange. Information and records management if you will. I head up that division as a true Knowledge Mistress.
Today, all the other lesbian lineages work with me and my staff, including the Lesbian Illuminati. This role better suits my temperament and allows me to keep my ear to the ground on all things lesbian, across all worlds. That is a burden of another sort, but one that I can bear. It also means I get to have somewhat of a lesbian life which is quite au courant: that whole work/life balance
marketing stuff thing.
Meanwhile back on Earth, specifically in North America there’s a growing interest in turning straight women into lesbians. Quite frankly, we are all a bit puzzled by this. At first we wondered if there was a dearth of eligible, interesting lesbians, but the Lesbian Business Intelligence Unit indicated that there have never been as many out women in the history of the US or Canada or even the UK as there are now, so we are perplexed as to why this growing interest.
A radical theorist wondered if that OTHER group, the Dark Lesbian Illuminati has somehow infected lesbians with the deadly virus, making them crave only women who are straight. Agents are out there working to see if there is any substance to the theory.
Because of the sheer number of requests, I negotiated permission to offer hints about turning straight women into lesbians; however, I am not allowed to give details and can only name the top four of the 15 ways that have been proven to work. That means I can tell you what to do, but not how to do it or the places to go or people to talk to who might be helpful.
This is in a way, a test. We hope that some enterprising members of the various tribes will hook up with other tribe members to foster collaboration and joint problem-solving to mutually beneficial ends: we truly do. As the mainstreaming of lesbians continue, our invisibility will spread. All of the lesbian lineages believe we need to strategize around this potential side effect of mainstreaming to assess if we are all okay with it.
What to do to Transform/Turn a straight woman in a lesbian
- A brain transplant, since brains of straight women and lesbians are reportedly different.
- The Straight-to-Lesbian Rotisserie, a unique, adjustable and highly effective device with special settings to ensure culturally appropriate turning.
- A week in the well-stocked, sunlight, hidden caves with a lesbian empath/sexual adept specially chosen for her by the Lineage Council Crones.
- A highly orchestrated 37 hours with me and The Knowledge.
These are proven strategies; however, should you find a way to turn your straight woman, she will not remember what happened. All she will know is that one day she was straight and some time later, she is a lesbian.
The Lineage does not readily approve of turning straight women into lesbians through any means. The approval process for any of the 15 proven methods is onerous. Fewer than five transformations happen a year. And my schedule is fully booked to 2017, so I am of no help to you.
What we suggest is that if you think you really, really, really, want this woman, wait for her. About 20 – 25 years. If she has ANY tendency whatsoever to turn, revisit her the months before her youngest child is ready to leave for college. If she had feelings for you they will be rekindled as you renew your friendship and it is entirely possible she will allow herself to fall in love with you, or if not love, at least into bed. It seems many more women are coming out in their later years.
In the meantime, you can pass the time by hanging out with other lesbians with whom you might strike up a friendship, a fling or a relationship. If that’s not what you want, the Lineage offers two services: Women who Look and Act Straight but Aren’t. It’s a sliding scale, so you can chose who you want according to your ability to pay. We also have a 24-hour hotline available to certifiable lesbians who find that they continually chose women who are not ever going to be emotionally or sexually available to them, and want to change the straight women they fall in love with.
When it comes to changing other people to do what it is you want them to do? Well, sometimes, just talking about that helps.