If Cupid Were a Woman

What do you mean IF?

Haven’t you heard? The Lesbian Illuminati managed a delicious, seditious and near-silent coup d’etat in 1919 seizing the boy Cupid’s ability to create love matches for lesbians. They bestowed that power on a 37-year-old woman-of-the-world with painfully precise archery skills that they had waiting in the wings for just over 2200 years, grooming her for the role of Lady Cupid: arrows of love for lesbians.

Photos of her are quite rare: she is able to cloak herself. However, I managed to snap one as she left a certain vicinity one winter’s night after a particularly arduous day of matchmaking.

Lady Cupid

She is a force to be reckoned with. First, she is a lovely woman, capable of great compassion, humour, kindness, humility and brilliance. Second she’s beautiful and I do not mind saying I am shallow enough to appreciate a beautiful woman. Third, she’s fluent in 12 languages: English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Arabic, Farsi, Japanese, Mandarin, Cantonese, Hindi and Bengali. Fifth, she has a killer smile. You KNOW how I am about killer smiles. Fifth, she has an education beyond belief. My sources in the Illuminati have told me that Lady Cupid (Code name Lady C) has either an master’s degree or a doctorate in sociology, psychology, biology, anthropology, feminist studies, divinity, neurocognitive sciences, psychology, biochemistry, theoretical physics, applied mathematics, cosmology, languages, politics, history and international law.

All that book learnin’ alone would make her breathtakingly dangerous, but when you consider her school-of-life learning you get a picture of a woman who knows things. As part of her necessary time in civilian life, she did a stint as a Madame in an all-lesbian brothel in where else, Paris, covertly passing on story ideas and information to Anais Nin, whom she had a slight intellectual interest in until Nin got all silly over June and Henry. She worked as a secretary, a driver, a teacher and a nurse. She spent four years as a guidance counsellor at an all girls’ school and moonlighted as a factory worker. Most recently, she did some temp work, something to do with rocket science.

The Illuminati thought she was under its control, after all, they gave her no more ageing, immortality, awesomeness, education and all of the 12 intelligences, life deepening experiences, a cool wardrobe and a no-questions-asked expense account.

It was more than she could have imagined when that red-headed woman entered the women-only salon she ran in ancient Cartagena and coaxed her into a private room and abducted her, erasing all remnants of her human life. As Lady Cupid, she possessed ancient Egyptian and Nubian powers. But there was a price that the Illuminati had failed to mention: as a Cupid, she would never be able to fall in love. And that wee, neglected detail made her a little more than peeved at the Illuminati. She went rogue as some lesbians are wont to do when peeved.

She is no longer controlled by the Illuminati and attempts to capture her for reprogramming have so far failed.  In fact, shortly after going rogue she started to go a little domestic and introduced killer cupcakes, known popularly as red velvet cupcakes.

Lady C does her Cupid work according to a mix of equations and hormones of her own design that no one inside the Illuminati has been able to decipher. Her rogue influence is being felt across the globe. Strict labels are beginning to fall away in some lesbian environments. Rice pilaf recipes have been banned from some lesbian gatherings. Transdisciplinary thinking is hitting academia: she spends months tracking targets and choosing just the right love matches across diverse fields of knowledge and study.

Culinary, fashion and design sensibilities are changing too, with repercussions for lumberjack jackets, lesbian haircuts number 1 through 7, pine country furniture and Ikea. Lesbians are coming out at a much younger age, without even trying to date boys. I’m not sure that’s what the Illuminati had in mind, but when you’ve got a rogue operative running around, what can you expect? Nothing changes the world like different kinds of love and that — connecting women with other women who on the surface appear quite different and diverse — seems to be the only discernible pattern of Lady Cupid’s so far.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!  I have JUST been interrupted: my email alert signalled and it seems that Lady Cupid HAS been captured by camera. I have her photograph!

As for the boy Cupid, well, rumour has it that he was devastated after the lesbian account was stolen from him. He paid some blind archers to practice longbow archery with him, careful not to reveal his identity. It did not go well. The Olympus gods tried to hush the rumours but this image of him was smuggled down the mountain in 2004.


Clarification: In a previous post, I referred to the Lesbian Illuminati as the cabal. A late night visit showed me the error in my assumption and I stand corrected.

About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween. On hiatus from writing anywhere else but here ... at least for now.
This entry was posted in being a lesbian, lesbian, lesbian life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to If Cupid Were a Woman

  1. Fantastic article, but you missed one very important tidbit: Lady C receives the bulk of her funding from U-Haul International, Inc. My sources say they are very pleased with the return on their investment and plan to continue the agreement indefinitely.

    FYI, I am here, silently enjoying your words – even if I’m not speaking, know that I still love every post. Happy Valentines Day!


    • FS says:

      Princess K! How wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for letting me know you’re still here. I suspect our sources might be different. According to mine, the Lesbian Illuminati are definitely in receipt of regular funding by U-Haul International (UHI). Lady C siphoned funds from that stream of funding to bankroll her defection and line up a a number of safehouses around the world. Word on the street is that it’s part of her personal mission to undo lesbian uhauling within a decade. UHI has dispatched an emissary to negotiate an agreement — centering on being the provider of record for moving boxes — which Lady C seems amenable to, at least so far, and as indicated, according to my sources. U-Haul isn’t stupid: it senses the subtle aroma of Lady C’s Hermes cologne in the wind and what it signals. :-). So let me say this about all that: I am not disclosing anything that Lady C has not seen and personally approved. 🙂

  2. Terrisita says:

    You, my love, are FREAKING BRILLIANT! You simply MUST give up your day job and spend more time entertaining me. Absolutely, definingly absorbing. How can you keep all this herstory and legend in any kind of retrievable order? Love the photo of Lady C…not so much of the poor little dude. xox

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