WARNING: A rant with uncharacteristically strong language ahead. Must be of legal age — 18 and older — to be here. If you are not 18, please go here.
Someone is once again trolling cyberspace to find the answer to the impossible puzzle of how to turn a woman bisexual, which is a variation of the other question, how to turn a woman into a lesbian. Both questions are trying my generally immense patience because both questions are not exactly female friendly.
Granted, the questions could be asked in innocence or ignorance about sexuality — if asked by young lesbians in love with their BFF — however, given the regularity with which the questions show up, there’s something else at play. Something else like wishful thinking, wilful ignorance or arrogance. Clearly a woman who’s only straight isn’t acceptable to some people or is incongruent with their beliefs about women’s sexuality because clearly, a woman can’t possibly only ever be straight, can she? Isn’t there a way to change that?
We can fix, change, improve, transform anything, everything, everyone and anyone these days, so Goddess knows, there must be a way to turn her. Convince her. Get her to see the light. Help her understand that she hasn’t met the right woman yet or hasn’t experienced that right combination of cute, sexy and smart in a woman to make her want to turn, to help siphon out and express her bisexuality, because everyone’s bisexual. Isn’t that how it works? No it isn’t, actually. But don’t let the facts or a truth interfere with running off madly in all directions for that particular Holy Grail.
The search is on for an easy sleazy way to turn straight women into lesbians or bisexuals because as we all know, women don’t mean it when they say they aren’t interested; the right bait just hasn’t been presented. Is she really saying/thinking/feeling/meaning NO if the one who’s asking or suggesting or trying to get a yes is another woman? No can’t mean no, can it? Maybe she means not now. Women are indecisive, changing their mind all the time, aren’t they?
Good women are flexible and accommodating. Aren’t they? Okay, maybe not all. There are the bitchy, inaccessible ice queen types: everybody’s nightmare and favourite dark fantasy. Women who are not that are nicer, pliable, flexible. Or maybe SHE, the straight woman you want, has potential for something that only certain types of people see, and maybe some of those people — men AND Goddess forbid, women — are hunting down ways to make her even more malleable, flexible, open to suggestion because clearly, women don’t know what they want and even if they said what they want, it can be changed like a sweater, shoes, diapers and underwear according to fashion and who’s doing the sweet talking or manipulation, because there’s a deeply embedded mental model/world view of women as unformed and incomplete without someone in charge. Women are little more than play dough, raw material: shape them, flip them, fold them, mold them, carve them, add pieces, take chunks away; create them, design them, display them; use them to your heart’s content, if indeed you have a fucking heart.
What does it mean?
IF — and this is a huge IF — this turning is consensual or perhaps an expression of mutual scientific curiosity as to whether turning is possible by sexual activity alone, then I suggest the two women involved spend three weeks in bed experimenting with everything that’s in the Lesbian Kama Sutra. If SHE who is to be turned has not turned by the end of that time, well, at least it was an open and honest attempt at turning.
But let’s assume this is not a consensual thing at all. Exactly what degree of a sociopathic sense of entitlement allows anyone — man or woman — to believe that it’s ever okay to actively work to change a woman from being who and what she is into something that she is not and to look for the instruction manual on how to do that?
What sense of entitlement in our culture makes someone believe that a woman is for use? That she can be modified, stripped down to the bones and reconditioned like a car, turned into something that someone, perhaps YOU, wants her to be because what and who she is happens to be what you can’t have or is not exactly the way you figure she should be, but if you TURNED her into a lesbian or a bisexual then she’s okay. You can have her, play with her, kiss her, touch her, take her: notch your belt or your bedpost or write in your journal or post on your blog or note it on tumblr or tweet or text it, or put the video on youtube. You will have what you wanted…turned her (for a minute) like a turkey, a roast or the vegetarian and vegan equivalent, basted her and feasted on her. And maybe get the toaster oven.
Then what? And for what? Oh, and why? Since when did women become food, commodities, board games? Oh right. Since forever and a long time ago.
I do not understand what it means to want to change another person. And I do not understand why: why actively and secretly campaign to turn a woman who is straight into a lesbian or a bisexual. Is there an international contest I’ve not been told about? Are new types of press-gangs being created — for the good ship HMS Bisexual-Lesbiana? Is it a sexual dysfunction that makes certain lesbians want only women who are same-sex virgins? Is there a new cult being started?
You heard it here first
But here’s the upside. There’s an opportunity in the ginormous interest to turn straight women into lesbians or bisexuals. Accordingly, I have jumped on the rainbow-coloured tricycle drawing that bandwagon and am pedalling my lesbian ass as fast as I can to get ahead of the curve.
My e-book ~ The Secret to Turning a Straight Woman into the Lesbian or Bisexual Lover of Your Dreams ~ will be published in the near sometime oh, NEVER. However, if 100,000 people send me $2,000 CDN, I’ll be sure NOT to give out the secret to how a lesbian can live happily, erotically, intellectually and sexually with a woman who is, OMG!! another real, live, honest-to-goodness lesbian. Nor will I share arcane and occult secrets to becoming a self-actualized lesbian, or the unique lesbian tricks to shared seductions, amazing, flowing, loving sustainable romance and a totally adult, caring, fun love that’s shared between two women who are and have always been equals.
Imagine! Imagine loving and accepting a woman for who she is and how you found her and how she grows without wanting to turn her into anything that she is not. Imagine no more campaigns to turn straight women into lesbians or bisexuals: no mass rotisseries, no subterfuge and no need for copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, voodoo.
If you are still keen on the process of turning her, here’s something to consider: how about if you turned straight and be content to live your life as her BFF? Or even better, if you’re a lesbian asking the question, get the operation to be the change you want to see in the world, although I doubt that’s what Gandhi meant.
However, if she’s not interested in turning then it’s time to suck it up, buttercup and settle for a real lesbian or a bisexual woman. And for the love of Sappho, please stop searching Google for the diner or gourmet STRAIGHT-to-GAY recipes. There aren’t any.
NB: No confused women — straight or gay or otherwise — were harmed in the making of this rant.